Posted by Dinah on November 22, 2005, at 19:15:44
In reply to Re: Dang that fighting to relationship! » Dinah, posted by Tamar on November 22, 2005, at 18:08:24
Tamar, you're really very good at this. I was wondering if anyone else would pick up on the cockroach theme. As I wrote the post, I was overwhelmed by the similarity of the memories of the familiar yet revolting sight of cockroaches walking across the table and sometimes up the underside of the plate, and my dreams of having them in my mouth with their little antennae waving out of it.
But I couldn't really see a relationship.
It makes sense though, if for no other reason that one of my big fears right now is of dying and turning my son over to my mother. I had to live with (or eat) the cockroaches, but I want to protect my son from that.
And what's also funny is that T3 and I talked today about my dearly held illusions. How I like to look to those in authority for protection, when the protection always proves to be illusory. Yet I hate to admit that I'm capable of looking after myself. I think she stretched the point a bit, which is sort of a shame since it distracted me from the fact that there is a certain amount of truth to the idea.
I *like* the feeling of safety, even if at some level I know it's just an illusion.
I'm not sure if that's what's going on with my therapist or not. My typical relationship with "protectors" is that I know all too well their weaknesses, and I protect them and take care of them as much as they take care of me. (My father being the prototypical "protector" in my life) While I might get a bit annoyed at feeling that my relationship with my therapist, previously mostly an exception to this rule, is falling into the same path, I don't think it would cause me as much pain as I'm feeling now.
It's the lack of connection in session that's making me feel so adrift. I keep going back to the thought that it feels like he's not recognizing me as the me he's known for years. That he's just sitting down as if for the first time.
I think I could accept the wounded healer, or flawed mommy, a lot better than I can take the disconnection.
Yet the connection has always had at least as much to do with me as with him. I've always been one to call him on not being there, or on reacting defensively. It might not be my job, but I've always done what I needed to do to get what I need from him. So what's different right now may be as much me as him.
It may just be as simple as the fact that I do want the freedom to leave if we decide to leave the city. If he hadn't moved three hours away, if he hadn't left for a month on three days notice, if he had continued to be here for me, I would not even consider moving. I would have fought it as strongly as my son fights the idea of leaving.
Or more likely it's a combination of that and distrust because he *did* move three hours away. And he *did* leave town for a month on less than a week's notice. And while he tells me he plans to come back this summer, I've experienced very recently how fluid his plans are. So a combination of looking to my self interest in terms of being able to leave, and protecting myself from the chaos of his life, are causing me to contribute to this problem.
I hope he can pull himself together too. I wonder how I can politely suggest that he get himself to therapy.
poster:Dinah
thread:581098
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051118/msgs/581356.html