Posted by daisym on November 16, 2005, at 19:44:42
I'm supposed to practice standing up for myself. This means allowing myself to hear all the things the younger parts of me wished they had said, thought about saying and/or wanted to scream out. And write them down. And then say them out loud.
I started yesterday with, "I don't want to." And added "I don't like that. It hurts me." And ended up teetering on the edge of controlled hysteria of outrage with: "do you KNOW what he did to me...and made me do??!" And though I've told him, he simply said, "tell me." And then after I told him, he said, "tell me about after - what did you feel after it was over?" Tears never cried came out. And lots more "I didn't want to(s)." I was shaking with fright at my boldness and rage.
So we practiced today. Any and all sentences - no editing allowed. (well, as much as I could let go.) And kept coming back to "I don't like that. I don't want to. I didn't want to. I never wanted to." And every time I went quiet he'd say, "try staying with it and say it out loud."
It is amazing how much never got said. And how much I don't say now, about what I like and don't like. It has turned into a life longs habit of not expressing my own thoughts, those that have to do with personal preferences, for fear of being told "of course you want to. Of course you like X and Y and Z." At one point he said, "you are allowed to say no to stuff you don't like or don't want to do, now or in the future. Just because someone else likes it or wants it, especially sexual things, doesn't mean you have to." I must have looked stunned because he said, "really. Not everything is a negotiation. You can say no."
Is that true? I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I just KNOW I'm going to get into trouble by admitting "I didn't want to." Because now whose fault is it really?
I just wish I could stop crying as I say all this.
poster:daisym
thread:579427
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/579427.html