Posted by Sonya on September 12, 2005, at 8:29:17
I want to make sure my T knows how I'm feeling when I see her this Wednesday so I've typed up notes I want her to read. I'm very scared though that this might alarm her enough to send me back to the hospital. Please, I need to know from others if this is too *much* and I need to hold some back. This is what I wrote:
With the 1-year anniversary approaching of my overdose and hospitalization, I’m afraid that it could happen again. The memories haunt me and keep me depressed. It’s awful that I attempted suicide, and I still feel guilty I put my family and friends through that. But it’s scary that I don’t feel any differently about the reasons I did it; I just don’t feel desperate to do it like I did then. Sometimes I’m afraid it’s just a matter of time before I get that desperate again. The only thing that stops me is knowing the pain it would cause my husband and children.
I feel worthless and useless; that my life has no purpose and that it might as well be over. Even when I try hard to be normal, I feel like I’m acting. I know that most people would never know from looking at me that I’m feeling the way I do; I’m very good at covering over my feelings. Even at the hospital, I was very neat and presentable, and didn’t let on to the ones in charge how I was really feeling. I’m tired of putting on the act.
I wish I knew if this was all because of menopause. I might have some hope if I thought this would pass in time. But this has been going on for too long. Just when I think I can get to an okay place, I slip down again. Sometimes I wonder if I’m choosing to be depressed. Could it be that my life is so boring that I’m creating my own melodrama? But this doesn’t ring true because I WANT to laugh and get enjoyment out of doing things, and I WANT to have hope for the future.
Sometimes I want to be invisible. Other times I feel I AM invisible. I make people uncomfortable; I don’t know how to interact with them. I want to feel like I fit in somewhere.
I once trusted life because I believed life would treat me kindly. I don’t trust life anymore. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I know how good I’ve got it, but knowing that only makes me feel terribly guilty.
poster:Sonya
thread:554112
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050912/msgs/554112.html