Posted by daisym on July 24, 2005, at 0:58:44
In reply to What goes through a child abuser mind *trigger*, posted by happyflower on July 23, 2005, at 18:02:55
I'm so sorry for what you endured.
You don't have to answer this...if you needed to rage and then stop, I completely understand. On the other hand, if you could stand a little back and forth:
Do you think you are less conflicted because you have "general agreement" that the things she did to you were bad, hurtful and mean? She did them from anger and hate -- so the evil that drove her was in her core, not yours. People, in my experience, seem to all nod their heads when we talk about this kind of abuse being "parent centered." You sound really angry at your parents, mom especially, justifiably so. You've made a decision to block her from your life. I'm sure that doesn't block the wishes for a "real" mother and "real love." But did you ever, once upon a time, believe that you weren't good enough?
For me, the sexual abuse, in the name of love and soothing and as an apology for being harsh left a wake of confusion. After all I wanted the love, so why not the acts? I wanted to be special, didn't I? And...I swear I've heard this...it isn't supposed to linger as traumatic because girls eventually have sex anyway, right?
I have asked the "How could he?" question so any times in therapy, complete with quiver chin and tearful outrage. And equally vehemently I ask, "how could he leave me?"
I'd really like to know what you think.
poster:daisym
thread:532294
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050716/msgs/532537.html