Posted by B2chica on July 22, 2005, at 10:01:33
yesterday was a terrible session even though i think he'd mentioned it before i needed to hear someone from a third party say those words, that i was raped and sexually assulted many times in my life from different people.
i need those words so my mind will stop arguing with itself-so the war inside would end. we talked alot and i was so drained i stayed outside his office after session an smoked a ciggarette, i wasn't "with it" enough to drive home. i waited about 10-15 min and then left. i went home and had to change into comfy close and crawl into bed. i couldn't move, i wanted to bawl but my hubby was there and he want's to know why i was in bed. i told him the session was draining and i just need some time. i started to cry infront of him. i almost told him about our session and really tell him, but then he started the "i just don't understand why you always want to die" speech. i wasn't crying cuz of that, i told him, but he just kept going on and saying we can never have kids cuz its' just a matter of time before i kill myself. and some other fine words on the matter.
well, that totally ruined the mood of my telling him i'd been raped. (notice i can write the word now? still can't say it outloud but i can write it...i feel good about that).the session yesterday was bad enough that at home, before i changed i downed my zyprexa 2 xanax and a beer. later took 3 more xanax (at 1mg each) i knew it wasn't enough to kill me but it would knock me out. it did. it was bad that i played with my pills and i'm trying to stop but it was either that or (graphic) slice my leg and arm wide open, which is what i wanted to do. i didn't
anyway, my t went 1/2 hour over again for me last night and said if i felt i needed to come in today i could. i just called this morning and i can get in in an hour. i'm a little worried about this weekend and i need some stability. my T hopefully will give that to me.
b2c.
poster:B2chica
thread:531490
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050716/msgs/531490.html