Posted by littleone on July 19, 2005, at 21:43:34
This is so hard for me to write. I don't want to reach out. I want to crawl into a hole. My T keeps saying "you need to act *in spite of* your feelings". I wish I could shove those words down his throat.
I guess you could say I haven't been very well lately. All since that stupid Books As Comfort post. My rejection fears are being triggered over and over and over with him.
He won't provide me with comfort - it's not in my best interests - that's not what he's there for.
He won't be my daddy.
He won't be my friend.
He won't be anything but an "advisor".
He won't talk to me between sessions.
And in the middle of all this he went away on holidays too.
And the worst thing is that that's all perfectly reasonable. Except it isn't the reasonable part of me that wants those things. And he just keeps on talking to the reasonable part and every reasonable word he utters just hurts the stupid part more.
So many things he has said over the past however long have just hurt me so badly. I quit from him at one stage. But I got so worked up and anxious over trying to find another T it was actually easier to go back to him.
And I've been going religiously twice a week since crawling back to him. Thinking that I need to work through this with him. That even if I went to another T it would just rear its ugly head again.
But it's so hard. I really hate him now. I'm so cut off from everyone and everything. I meant cut off on the inside as well as physically isolating myself.
I don't say anything to him at all during a session. And that's not really unusual (I'm always a real vegetable in there), but now I don't write anything for him either. I've pretty much stopped writing in my journal at all. I'm usually too worried that I'll write some stupid vulnerable crap and he'll push and push til he sees it.
I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to write to him. I don't want him seeing in my head.
And now we've hit a new low. He tried to talk to me for maybe 15 minutes last session. He didn't get much response. He was saying "Tell me anything. Recite a recipe. Anything". And then we both proceeded to sit in total silence for the next 45 odd minutes.
Today I feel like total sh*t. And I can't even schedule an extra session with him. I mean I could, but I know I won't say anything and there's no way I want to put him through the vegetable routine again so soon. I don't particularly want to go through it again. I'd rather he told me he's doing that up front so I can just walk out and save us both some time.
After that session, I did write something. It started off with "Well I must say that's the dumbest thing you have ever done" and then proceeded to list all the reasons why it was dumb and asking how on earth that was supposed to help rebuild our alliance and encourage me and connect with me and restore trust and a million other things.
I was kind of harsh.
And even now I seriously don't want to give it to him. But that means another no writing, no talking session. Another nightmare.
I wish I had of had the guts to pull out my book and start reading in front of him.
poster:littleone
thread:530362
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050716/msgs/530362.html