Posted by gardenergirl on May 14, 2005, at 16:26:09
In reply to Another pity part for me, posted by daisym on May 13, 2005, at 23:02:33
> This is a bad idea -- trying to post when I feel so darn low. So I came home and self medicated with margaritas (probably a no no with ADs but I kinda forgot) and I don't feel any better. Things are so out of control and I feel lost and alone.
((((Daisy))))...did you put on Jimmy Buffett with the margaritas?
>
> Work has been horrid -- as the boss I'm taking the brunt of the fallout from the budget cuts. I cut hours and salaries and we'll stay alive, but I feel guilty and responsible for everything.Oh gosh. That must be so hard. I had to lay off my whole staff once when a store closed. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done. And I felt so guilty even though I was just the messenger. I'm sorry you have to go through that. It's very stressful. I know that no one blames you. Blame that puffy haired dude who made the cuts. It's not your fault, and I bet you are doing this very gracefully and in a wonderfully caring manner.
>It would be better if they yelled at me -- I'm sure that is to come.
Sweetie, they may feel anger and hurt, and maybe they will yell at some point. But I feel quite certain it will not be AT you. It will be an expression of their feelings about the situation...one you are not to blame for.
>
> Therapy is an equal nightmare. I'm stuck, wrapped tight, unable to talk about all of this much because I begin to cry and I won't allow myself to cry about it all.What do you find so upsetting about crying about this? I think this is a very cry-worthy situation. I'm sorry it doesn't feel safe and connected right now. Gosh, you have so much going on. But you know, it's okay to talk about whatever you need to in therapy. That's why it's there. Work stuff, marriage stuff, gas prices, inner psyche stuff, it's all fair game.
>BUT IT IS NOT OK!
I'm not sure what is not okay. Are you feeling that you are not being "a good client?" Or are you not getting what you need from therapy right now?
>I did write a little last night. But all that comes out on paper is despair and longing...and I see anger trickling in. I told him that today too...in a whisper, at the end of the phone call: "What if the blockage is anger? It seems to be coming out on paper, from all the parts of me." His answer was simply, "Well, there it is." What does that mean? Was he expecting it? How can this be OK? I don't think it is wise to be angry at a time like this -- anger is not productive.
I'm glad you started writing again. It sounds like you feel freer doing that than talking at times. And if anger is what is coming out, that's okay, Daisy. If it's what's there, it's what's there. It doesn't have to be productive or make sense. It just is. It doesn't change how I feel about you. I can't imagine it will change how your T feels about you.
>And if I can't talk in therapy now, if I've lost my connection to my therapist, how is allowing anger in the room going to help me reconnect? I'm scared I'll NEVER be able to reconnect, to trust him with these dark thoughts and feelings and I'll be alone with all this. Again.
Believe it or not, when I allowed (or at least experienced...not sure how much control over it I had) anger and "mixing it up" into my therapy relationship, it has led to a deeper experience and new insights. I feel more connected again, and I think I'm doing better with outside therapy stuff. I told my T it feels much more "real" since that bad session. Neither of us have to be "ideal". We can just be.
>
> I just, selfishly, want someone else to know how deeply I'm hurting.
>There's nothing selfish about your post. It's a human need to feel understood and seen as you really feel and really our.
I'm glad you posted. I missed hearing from you, whatever you have to say.
Next time, can I have margaritas with you? (can I have tequila while taking an MAOI?)
((((daisy))))
gg
>
poster:gardenergirl
thread:497568
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/497759.html