Fear of Talking, Relationship, Abandonment... Long

Posted by Poet on March 19, 2005, at 12:47:01

I spent the last two sessions denying just about everything I've ever told my T in the last 2 1/2 years. That I just (for the hundreth time) "can't do therapy." I should just quit. Or she should just take pity on me and terminate me.
She said, every so often this comes up, especially after you disclose something. You are so frightened to let me get close to you. I understand your fear of trusting. You coped with some very bad things by convincing yourself to never let anybody get close to you ever again.
I hope that you will take away from therapy the ability to have a relationship with me. And that you will take that ability and have other relationships.
I told her that we don't have a relationship, that I don't need one, want one with her or anybody.
She said that's because I'm scared ****less to have one. She thinks that a bigger part of me that I want to admit exists does want a relationship. That's why I keep coming back week after week, then getting scared and not sharing my notes or talking. I don't want to admit that I have this need. When in therapy it's just you me and the four walls and it's supposed to be safe her. You aren't safe. You won't let your guard down even with someone you want to be with or you wouldn't keep coming back.
I told her I HATE the word safe, because there is no where safe. No one is safe to be with.
She said, that is my fear of abandonment. That I try so hard to be uncooperative, angry and defensive when she tells me things I know are true. Like that I fear relationships, because I'm afraid I'll get abandoned. I am scared ****less to let her get close to me, because I am afraid she'll leave me or ignore me.
Why am I so scared ****less to admit to her that she (may) be right? Am I this messed up that I can't even admit that I do want a realtionship to her- someone who sees through my defenses?
I am a mess. Therapy is making me more messed, but I don't quit. Do I?
Poet

Thread

Fear of Talking, Relationship, Abandonment... Long Poet 3/19/05
Re: Fear of Talking, Relationship, Abandonment... Long » Poet annierose 3/19/05
Re: Fear of Talking, Relationship, Abandonment... Long shrinking violet 3/19/05
Re: Fear of Talking, Relationship, Abandonment... Long gardenergirl 3/19/05
Re: Fear of Talking, Relationship, Abandonment... Long » Poet littleone 3/19/05
Re: Fear of Talking, Relationship, Abandonment... Long » Poet Dinah 3/20/05
Re: Fear » Poet Shortelise 3/20/05
Re: Fear of Talking, Relationship, Abandonment... » annierose Poet 3/20/05
Re: Fear of Talking, Relationship, Abandonment... » shrinking violet Poet 3/20/05
Re: Fear of Talking, Relationship, Abandonment... » gardenergirl Poet 3/20/05
Re: Fear of Talking, Relationship, Abandonment... Poet 3/20/05
Above is for littleone (nm) Poet 3/20/05
Re: Fear of Talking, Relationship, Abandonment... » Dinah Poet 3/20/05
Re: Fear » Shortelise Poet 3/20/05
Re: Fear of Talking, Relationship, Abandonment... Long » Poet antigua 3/21/05
Re: Fear of Talking, Relationship, Abandonment... » Poet gardenergirl 3/21/05
Re: Fear of Talking, Relationship, Abandonment... Poet 3/21/05
Above for Antigua (nm) Poet 3/21/05
Re: Fear of Talking, Relationship, Abandonment... » gardenergirl Poet 3/21/05
Re: Fear of Talking, Relationship, Abandonment... » Poet Dinah 3/21/05
Re: Above for Antigua » Poet antigua 3/30/05

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