Posted by B2chica on March 15, 2005, at 10:18:33
i was supposed to call pdoc and talk about zyprexa. i can't...i just can't do it. i have appt. in two weeks but...i don't want it.
-i don't think i want help. as horrible as some of those up/freak out feelings are, they pass. and i in a sick way feel stronger. This is how i am. have always been. i don't want it to go away. i'm afraid 'i' will disappear. (i told my T this yesterday). i told him i'd talk with pdoc about meds...but.-something inside me, like with restricting my food (ED issue) is i think transfering once more this time to my meds. now my last depression S.ideation was So close, and so severe that i know i don't want to go down that well and my level of AD is working so i'm ok with that. but, my 'freak out sessions' the bad ones last only a few hours (where i'm really on a different plain)-and then i actually feel like everyone is against me and i get angry at the drugs to supress 'me'. Then i would fight tooth and nail not to take the meds. but now i'm calm and just in no way want them. i almost feel like they will take 'me' away and put in this bland_human with no deep/real thoughts and curiosities.
even when it gets bad like this weekend (and after talking with T) i figure i can fight this.
-oooh, just said it...maybe i'm obsesssed with 'fighting it'...man i think i had some type of breakthough. all along i've been 'fighting', fighting depression, fighting with meds...maybe the thought of the meds working either eliminates my 'fighting' or will make me 'face' another fight that i don't want to do?ok so maybe this conversation split into two topics and is more with myself...but???
b2c.
poster:B2chica
thread:471255
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050315/msgs/471255.html