Posted by Aphrodite on March 13, 2005, at 10:30:02
This is just one of those time when I know therapy is not good for me.
A family member has died; I have to travel to another state where my childhood home is, a scene of much sadness and confusion and devastation. I have to travel alone. I have to go to the same funeral home and the cemetery where my father is buried. (I've never visited his grave.) I have to see family members who have hurt me.
And oddly enough, since I've been torturing myself by going to other places close to where I live now that are full of traumatic memories and melting, I know I will melt there, too. Plus, there is the spectre of death.
Two years ago, controlled and corporate Aphrodite, with her strong defensive ego state, masked emotions, could go through this unscathed. Now, retraumatized "little Aphrodite" is out, with no strong adult self anywhere in sight, recently dealing with med changes and dissociation and flashbacks has to try to keep it together.
Sure, you can drudge up the past in the safety of the T's office. Even that causes me to regress and swirl and deteriorate. But, what are you supposed to do when you have to face the demons when you're not ready? How has therapy helped me realistically at all?
And on top of it all, I am consumed with guilt. I am not even thinking about the lost loved one and the immediate family. I'm thinking about me and what it is doing to me, and I absolutely hate myself for such selfishness. I never thought I had it in me to be so self-absorbed.
I am mad at my T for letting me sink to this level, for the encouragement to regress and to lean on him, for deluding me into calling this progress.
I am packing now. I am sobbing and have no idea how I am going to make it through the next few days.
poster:Aphrodite
thread:470399
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050305/msgs/470399.html