Posted by Dinah on August 19, 2004, at 10:48:49
In reply to The Therapeutic Relationship, posted by Susan47 on August 18, 2004, at 22:23:23
I see it as being more along the lines of teacher/pupil. You'll never forget the third grade teacher who spent time before class talking to you about berry picking. But chances are she'll forget you. It doesn't mean she didn't care about you.
I called a therapist I had when I was a young teen/preteen. It had been over 25 years, but he was happy to hear from me. No, he didn't remember a whole lot about me. But what he did remember was correct. He remembered my parents better than he remembered me (wink). And he seemed to be happy enough to hear from me. And I didn't even *like* that therapist, was as much a clam as a young teen can be (and you know how clam-like that can be).
I think I've gotten past this issue. Sometimes I wonder what my therapist really thinks of me, or get upset if I think he's only pretending to like me when he really thinks I'm an *ss. But the restraints of the relationship don't bother me because frankly I don't want more from him than therapy. So if he doesn't want to do more than give therapy to me, we're in perfect agreement.
And aren't all relationships in our life bound by some sort of restraints? I care about (at least some of) the people at my office. I'll cry at their funerals, I enjoy talking to them. But we don't hang out at home. I usually don't know about their new cars. But I appreciate the part of them that I do have.
Even my most intimate relationship, the one with my husband, is bound by restraints. He's my best friend, yet I don't tell him the same things I tell my therapist. And frankly, I don't want him to tell me the things he might tell his therapist. Especially if they're about me. Very intimate relationships like husband/wife and even more mother/child do best, IMHO, with a fair amount of discretion.
So my therapist is my therapist. He cares about me after nine years of therapy. But he cares about me in the way you care about a client, not a wife or daughter. I care about him after nine years of therapy. I want the best for him. I'm sorry when he's having troubles. But I care about him in a different way than I care about my husband or my son or even my parents. Because even the best therapist/mommy isn't like a real mother. He doesn't yell at me like he yells at his real kids, I'm sure. Well, maybe a little, but not nearly as much.
And what's the problem? I know that if I run out of money, I wouldn't see him anymore. But I'm paying for his time, not his caring. I can't pay him to care for me. That is either there or it isn't. If I could no longer afford him, that would mean I wouldn't be able to book time with him, it wouldn't mean he'd quit caring.
I think the boundaries of a therapeutic relationship are troublesome in two ways. One is that on the surface they don't resemble any other relationship. But that isn't as true as it sounds. Most people in our lives are people we only see in certain situations. Work people at work, hobby people at hobbies, etc. Which leads to the second reason a boundary can be troublesome: if you want more (from a therapeutic, work, or hobby relationship) than the other person wishes or can give. That's not unique to therapy. There was a lady at church who liked me just fine at church, but she had a busy life and to her I was a church friend. And maybe I wanted to be a hanging out sort of friend. It hurt. But there's nothing wrong with church friends. I just wanted more.
So yes, I would never go into therapy with someone I where wanted more than a therapeutic relationship. And if those feelings of wanting more developed later on, it would hurt. But all relationships hurt when one person wants more than the other. The only question is whether you can accept what is offered or if you can't. If you can't you can't, and it's no shame. If you can, then maybe you can learn something from the wanting but not having.
Because it happens all the time. You send more emails than you get. The lady at church wants to keep your relationship at church. You will most likely never meet the people you've come to care about on Babble. If you can learn to fully enjoy what you can get from each person (including husbands and parents and children) and acknowledge what you'd like to have, I think it leads to a richer life.
poster:Dinah
thread:379308
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040812/msgs/379431.html