Posted by Klokka on August 12, 2004, at 18:02:32
In reply to ok » Klokka, posted by shortelise on August 12, 2004, at 17:08:53
I'll try and focus more on the positives to him having written it/me having found it. It is reassuring to know he seeks assistance when needed, and to have proof that he actually does think about what he's doing and care about his patients to some extent. It was just a bit of a shock, and when I realized the possibility of something wrong having been done, I freaked out, thinking for sure he would refuse to see me once I told him, or it would mean he wasn't trustworthy after all, etc. (That was what happened with the last post, which I made because I just couldn't entertain the idea calmly, and still can't.)
I guess it comes down to my feeling intrusive. Even though everything I've found was public (and always something he put up on the web himself,) I still feel like I've crossed some major boundary and that he'll hate me for it. It's worse now because I still feel the need for some connection, some reassurance that he's there, but I feel horrible about seeking any. I don't know how much sense it makes, given that he suggests frequently that I don't depend enough on others, but I'm still so afraid. It also isn't the only way the therapy seems uncertain; I recently had reason to fear my college schedule would interfere, and as it stands I can only see him once every two weeks for sure. The same problem is going to come up again in the second semester. And because he's a child psychiatrist and I turn 18 next year, I won't be able to see him after that for sure.
It should be interesting to bring up the contents of what I found once I manage to tell him that I found it at all. Very little of what he wrote surprised me, except that he seemed to take it more seriously than I thought (which was good to see, because I've thought for so long that he thinks what's going on is very minor and has just been waiting for me to try meds or whatnot... it's hard to be honest under those circumstances) and seems to have missed a few things, by my omission or otherwise. It should be helpful if he doesn't react poorly to what happened.
I'll try and calm down in the meantime. I'm working on writing right now - actually about some past therapy sessions which is oddly reassuring. I find baking soothing, too, so I'm going to go do that in a while. Tennis is always good for tiring me out, so I'll see when I can beg a friend into playing. Thanks for the support and for giving some positive things to look at about the situation. This whole situation still strikes me as really bizarre.
poster:Klokka
thread:376904
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040812/msgs/376971.html