Posted by metalflipflop on January 13, 2004, at 15:58:24
In reply to Re: needing a hug being refused, wish it didn't hurt » metalflipflop, posted by naiad on January 13, 2004, at 14:16:32
hello all,
well, i thought things were finally getting okay--i told my therapist why i was hurt so much, she finally read my letters to her, she admitted she was wrong. i felt better, she said she was going to try her best to remedy the situation.
i saw her today again though (can you tell i've been really upset?), and she said she had given it a lot of thought and realized that she had been very inconsistent with me. this is true. she said that in light of that, these are the new rules: no phone calls unless i am going to hurt myself or need to schedule sooner, no hugs til i leave her for good, i.e. when i will never see her again.
i was floored. i feel horrible again. this is never how it's been with her, i've been able to call when i'm really upset but not self-destructive (i very, very rarely take things out on myself), the hug was fine at first. she said this will take care of the inconsistency, but i just can't handle it. changing the rules in the middle of the game? after an entire year? i feel like my commitment to therapy is hanging by a thread, and today she came at me with scissors. i had such hope that she was going to be able to reassure me about this, and now, honestly, very deeply, i don't want to do it anymore.
i really am not someone who pushes boundaries, i take that responsibility very seriously, and she agreed that i have never been inappropriate in how i let myself lean on her.
i am heartbroken. i am so attached to her, but this was such a bad time for her to retreat behind the therapist line. i wish she could be flexible, if only through this rough time, but she says that's just not how she works. all this is news to me. i don't understand how things can change so much. i feel punished for being honest and upset as i really am.
i am seeing her tomorrow again (i think she's afraid any longer and i won't come back), and with things how they are it feels like it will be my last session. i don't know what else to say to her, that i haven't already, that would convey how wrong this feels and how much my gut is telling me it shouldn't be this way.
i have tried so much already.
=/
liz
poster:metalflipflop
thread:298399
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040110/msgs/300288.html