Posted by FeelingDown on April 29, 2003, at 10:08:55
I'm just looking for some advice really, i dont see myself as completely mental but my standard of life has most certainly degraded over the past 2 years (well to be honest the past 4 years). For some time now i've felt majorly depressed and paranoid I try to cover it up and it seems that nobody else notices and people still want to be my friend but I still have thoughts that people think that i am stupid.
Its all my own fault though. From about the age of 16 (i'm 22 now) to the age of 20 i smoked lots and lots of weed, i know this is a bad thing and i regret it so much now but at the time all my friends were doing it. That was not too much of a problem until one of my friends started to go out and take exstacy. I stayed off them for at least a year (whilst all my friends were taking them) but then i finally surcombed and took one.. it was fabulous. This then carried on for around 18 months until i went to a night with a friend that i had just met. We took some Exstacy and i know i shouldn't have done b/c i was feeling rather down and slightly paranoid from the night before. Anyway (sorry this is going on a bit) i went out dressed up and i was looking rather gay (i dont usually wear them kind of clothes but i wanted to impress my new friend) and started feeling rather self-concious , well i suppose that was an understatement i was totally self-concious.. i finally managed to leave everyone and went home. Whilst i was laying in bed i was sure i could hear people outside saying that they wanted to beat me (this i convinced myself was because i came home with a girl that they fancied and i was, to them at least "gay"). the next day we came home (sorry did i say that we were away on a w/end trip) and i felt terrible all day i had an incesant ringing in my ears and this lasted for about 2 weeks. i also kept having really vivid dreams.
This was all about 2 years ago now, and i've been living with depression and slight paranoia ever since. I think its a double wammy here; i suffer from slight depression and this causes my to frown (and when i'm not feeling depressed i have a lovely smile so this gets me down too).. the frowning makes me self-concious which brings on the feelings of paranoia.
It fucking sucks, i just want to get back to how my life was before i started screwing around with drugs. I remember my parents saying to me "dont touch them, you're better than that. And that auntie Lisa (she was diagnosed as being schizopherenic about 8/9 years ago) is not very well and its in the genes so dont play around with that kind of thing". I didn't listen did I and now I feel like i'm paying for my previous mistakes.
Oh god i could go on forever about what i've been thinking for the past 2 years. to sum it up though i guess i feel totally wrapped up in my own world, only thinking about myself and what others think of me.. i want my confidence back and i want to smile again.
Sorry for being so boring but i do feel better now i've let all that out... if you dont mind i may post again... this at least feels like i'm talking to someone... its rather a taboo in my house ad#nd around my friends, apart from my friend harri who too has boughts of depression but i find when i talk to him he makes me feel down.
anyway enough said. thanks for listening
poster:FeelingDown
thread:223132
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030407/msgs/223132.html