Posted by Ginjoint on September 27, 2002, at 10:52:05
Hi...I've been lurking at this board for a couple of weeks, getting to "know" people, and I am very glad I have found this place! The people who post here seem intelligent, kind, and sophisticated...and, well, I could use a little sophistication in dealing with my meltdown reaction to a problem the other day. FYI, for the record, I'm female, and I've been diagnosed as bipolar with borderline personality syndrome (I'm still learning about THAT one).
Anyway...my pdoc told me she's pregnant. Simple, right? Not even close. I wanted SO much to be happy for her (it's her third kid), but all I could do was cry. She wasn't upset by that, and as I got quieter and quieter she wanted to know what I was thinking. I couldn't talk. She asked me if I felt abandoned. I didn't answer - instead, I bolted her office. Not the world's most mature reaction, but it was all I could do. I spent the rest of the day crying (hard) and shaking, damning myself for having trusted someone who is leaving.
Now, she did say she'd probably take about 3 months maternity leave, so it's not like she's dropping off the face of the earth or anything. And of course she has a right to a family! But I'm taken aback by my reaction. I am very close and attached to her (I've been seeing her for 2 and a half very rough years), and I don't have many other people in my life. I am angry at her for leaving (even temporarily); angry that she gets to go through this wonderful intimate experience (pregnancy, family), and I don't; and angry that I had to ask her about the pregnancy (she didn't volunteer the information - she said she wanted to wait until I "noticed" - she's starting to show now).
I know, I know that my reactions can be construed as selfish and immature, and I should get a grip, but the feelings are so strong. I do feel abandoned, and very much left out in the cold. I feel jealous, I feel sad, I feel like a little kid, and I also feel like a colossal jerk.
The antagonism between the emotional and the intellectual on this is extremely stressful.
I know this isn't exactly the most cohesive post (for that I apologize), but has anyone else ever had this situation or this reaction? How did you resolve it? Thanks for your time in reading this.Ginjoint
poster:Ginjoint
thread:1156
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20020829/msgs/1156.html