Posted by alexandra_k on December 26, 2013, at 3:53:48
In reply to Re: a crucible » Dr. Bob, posted by alexandra_k on December 25, 2013, at 16:18:11
I am going to train to be an orthopedic surgeon in a top 50 university. I am. Otherwise... I'm going to do it anyways in developing nations. Which... Sounds awful. Irresponsible and all that... But people have given me the tools / resources to understand...
Point being: It's okay. Whether I get this or not. I mean... I'd rather get it. I... I like to think that I have good social skills, actually.
I mean...
Autism this and autism that...
I'd actually done pretty well in philosophy. And not that logic stuff, neither. Not the highly technical stuff. Not the Getteriology process (definition followed by counter-example followed by revised definition followed by revised counter-example followed by re-revised definition...)
I have decided: I don't regret doing what I've done. In terms of choosing my supervisor. Choosing my University. I have knowledge and understanding that I would not have got if I had have pursued alternative options. Even though alternative options would have given me pieces of paper well before now*
*IMportant caveat... I do think I could have been nurtured more. And that would have resulted in increased productivity from me. But lets compare that situation with me vs that situation with my supervisor. What he produced with the time he had (with fairly minimal supervising of me) vs what I would have achieved with more input...
Things get hard...
And I... Don't begrudge. Because I've learned a f*ck*ng lot, actually. ANd: If I wrote it up: He would read it. And... Wow. He would. And eventually approve / sign off on it. So... What am I bitching about?????
Back to the subject...
I want to go to medical school. This 'autistic spectrum' thing is license for people to write me off as a lab geek. There is a bunch of stuffs about that... About how some people should be left to write their reviews of battlestar gallactica back in the lab while the people with actual social skills get to see patients...
The thing is...
1) You can have your flight plan. You can have your just following instructions / going by the rule book 9 to 5 occupation that is consistent with your raising a family and having kids etc etc etc...
or:
2) You can have your person who is prepared to devote their life. In the sense that: Because I choose not to have kids and a partner etc etc (because in my feeling... To do so properly would involve some weird kind of 'good wife' thing that isn't on the books along with a career in early childhood education followed by primary education followed by...) So... Someone who decides to contribute back to society in this way. I mean... Raising kids isn't 9 to 5. You are on call 24/7. To do it properly... But what if you don't have the skills to do it 'properly'? Well... Surgery is... Second best? Something...
?
The Vanuatu thing is... Prospects for contributing back to society. The pieces of paper don't matter. The lack of knowledge that went behind them might... Insofar as it is actually lacking. I think I see... This is the key... This attitude.
I get that I have to go. If it means I go crazy or whatever... Build up my exposure gradually... My ability to perform... That is what is about to me.. Actually.. IN some weird way...
Remember this...
The main motivation to finish my PhD: My supervisor will actually read it and tell me what he (really!) thinks. Which will... Help my understanding immensely.
I could have finished up years ago most places else... But I'd never had th is opportunity still in front of me.
I want to do med. But if I don't get to... It's okay. I see a future direction for my life...
But still... I wish I understood better why you blocked me. Because it still hurts. And I don't.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1055631
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20131217/msgs/1056996.html