Posted by alexandra_k on November 12, 2010, at 20:02:43
In reply to Re: Number of blocks, posted by sigismund on November 11, 2010, at 13:15:18
> IIRC, there were more blocks when there were more people and more vivid encounters, years ago now.
That could well be the case. It could also be the case that Bob isn't as trigger happy with them as he used to be.
I found it too hard to keep up with the boards when I wasn't able to post. It was like on one of those films when someone is taken by a ghost to another time and / or place and you have to watch on powerless to do anything to try and help the (sometimes) tragedies unfolding before you. Eventually... You find other things to do with the time that was spent here.
I got into second life and world of warcraft for a while. Then got into the gym. Then found online communities associated with that. Now... I cancelled my world of warcraft account and I rarely have an urge to play that game (best computer game in the world, for what it is worth).
Now... My life is such that I would need to compromise on something else to spend considerable time here. I'd need to back off from the gym or from learning about that stuff. I think that it is better for me with where I'm at now to do the gym thing. It is a kind of centerpiece or cornerstone. It has ripple effects for me knowing I need to develop a more balanced lifestyle (sleep, nutrition, de-stress, quit smoking etc and actually take some of those positive steps towards things that I've known for years would be better for me (in terms of me developing into the person I want to be). Someone who I (and never mind anybody else) would want to be with (someone who is focused on living better rather than dying or minimizing time awake, someone with goals who takes steps towards them, someone who isn't trying to kill themself or self-harm with cigarettes or food that makes them feel sleepy and will likely kill them early etc etc etc).
I still do see my t. One or two times per week. We don't go into anything deep it is more of a 'ticking along' kind of a supportive thing. I... Am reluctant to get into anything deep now. I want to maintain my functioning and improve it. I don't want to spend a lot of time reading up on psychoanalytic theory or trying to understand why I'm f*ck*d up or trying to figure out what not being f*ck*d up is supposed to be and / or how to get there.
I don't feel pain / shame when I'm immersed in an activity. The endorphin rush (or whatever it is) makes me feel good. My brain doesn't ruminate like it used to. I fall asleep hard and fast because I'm physically exhausted. I'm... Happy. In a way. And training with the other people... Personal interactions with them... They are positive and I guess I'm just getting along with people a lot better now than I used to. Developing more self acceptance or something. Realizing that people who I used to be highly intimidated by (fit, athletic people who in some cases have a very high opinion of themselves) are... Well... Human, too. With their own insecurities and fears and such.
I can't really do anything half-hearted. I need to be all in or all out. Most of my time... Or not much of my time at all (no good at multi-tasking - it is something that I'm simply choosing to accept about myself). So it is best for me to move on from this place. It isn't worth it to me to dig around in the archives trying to figure out whether it would be safe for me to return or not. I know that some people here appreciate just how much time one puts into posting and reading here in order to post a lot of timely supportive posts to others (something I think I did do at my 'peak'). I'm sorry. Really, I am. But it is better for me to move on now. Best of luck, everyone. Take care.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:969738
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20101014/msgs/970007.html