Posted by Sad Sara on November 6, 2004, at 16:33:10
I see that you PBC someone who writes this:
"I don't think that peoples attempts to explain their feelings to you have been well received".
Can you please tell me a civil way to tell someone that their way of responding to someone elses feelings is not a respectful way of reacting? I think it is important to be able to tell someone when he is acting in a disrespectful way to someone elses explanation of how they feel about something.The next thing I am going to write does NOT have anything to do with the content of the above statement that I have copied and pasted in, neither does it have anything to do with any of the parts involved in the discussion where I copied it from. It created a dilemma for me, and I would like you to exlain to me how to be civil in a HYPTHETICAL SITUATION, where I could like how to tell someone that their way of responding to someone elses feelings is not a respectful way of reacting.
Though, if I still manage to make someone feel hurt, put down, or harassed, please keep in mind that I don't have anyone in specific on this board in mind, I am just interested in trying to understand civil and not civil, apropriate way of responding etc etc. I don't feel entire sure that I am capable of being at this board since my language skills are not very elaborated (I am dyslectic, and even though I do as good as I can in having a broad language, it is still not my strongest side)... I would in any case like th eopportunity to learn... so PLEASE DON'T FEEL PUT DOWN OR HURT BY THIS, THIS IS PURELY ASKING FOR LEARNING!!!!!!!
Let me explain (this is just an example, not a real case): I am lecturing my class in grammar, and act a bit distant. I sometimes stop in the middle of a sentence for almost a minute before I continue again. One of my students get very annoyed, and confront me with the fact that it seems like I am "doped or something". I decide to tell my class why I am acting as I am since it is not a secret and not a crime. "My mother called me yesterday and told me that my father is in the hospital again for his cancer. I am very upset today because of this, because I know my father does not have a very long time left to live and I love my father dearly". The student responds with telling me very politely that if I am upset because of that, I should have shown the responsibility of calling in sick and not go to work. He also explains to me that since the class is mandatory and they have to show up, he requires that I show up in a perfect condition to teach, since that is also required by the university law. He further tells me that he is going to complain about this to the management.
In this situation I would feel very hurt because I had relieved to him someting that has made me very sad, and that means something to me. I do not care whether he thought that I was "doped or something", since I could perfectly well understand that he thought that... after all I was acting quite different from usual. But I would feel hurt about the fact that he disrespected my feelings so much that he did not even say "I am sorry to hear that your father is sick, and I am sorry I thought your behaviour was a result of intoxication". My mother is originally from the (people called) travellers in Denmark, and in her culture it was seen as an insult to not take into regard someones feelings with a sympathetic. In fact, in the old times that would be an insult enough to die for. Therefor I am raised very strictly with: if someone tells you about something that has made them feel a negative feeling, show them respect with acknowledging that you have heard what they said and that you sympathetize with them.
The students overlooking my feelings would make me feel like the fact that my father is sick and about to die does not mean anything, and that I am being selfish for letting my pain interrupt my teaching. I don't think the student really meant to make me feel like that, so I would like to call him in to my office and tell him that I feel that he is not reacting in an appropriate way when someone tells them how they feel. I would like to do this because think it is important both for him and for the people he will have contact with in the future that he understand that his way of reacting towards people telling them they feel sad (or possibly hurt, depressed, lonely, anxious) might make other people feel hurt. I would explain why, and what he could say/do instead. Not because I was hurt by what he said (I was, but thats not WHY I'm telling him), but I would to let him know that his way of responding is not appropriate, why, and teach him how to be respectful. I would think that important also for him, he would learn something about himself, AND manage to change a bad behaviour...
But if I can't say to him that I think his way of respondings to other people telling him their feelings are disrespectful, how do I really do this? And how can one manage to change a bad behaviour is it is uncivil to tell someone that they dislike that behaviour? And who can really decide what is most uncivil... considering I feel very hurt and I would like to prohibit that other people experiences the same behaviour from this person, but this person will probably feel very hurt if I say that I think certain aspects of his behaviour is not good.
So mainly, which one has the most right to get protected from getting hurt:
A. my student
B. The next person that tells him about his/her feelingsI am really really confused about this matter, so thank you very much if you could explain me this.
Sara (who does not want any comments about my background since that is a very sore subject for me)
poster:Sad Sara
thread:412635
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20041027/msgs/412635.html