Posted by Kali Munro on October 5, 2004, at 9:59:32
In reply to Hi, Kali...I have a question. : ), posted by Jai Narayan on October 5, 2004, at 8:43:13
> Hi Kali,
> Welcome back.Hi Jai, thanks! :)
>
> My new problem:
> I had been posting to a person and another person became part of my connection with the first person.
> I felt uncomfortable in the 3-way connection, expressed my discomfort and withdrew. It was not a graceful disentanglement.
> I continued to communicate with the original person and that suited me.
> Recently the other person posted something unkind and hurtful about me. The statement was a projection of my feelings about a situation. The projected feelings I was supposed to have were untrue. I was frozen and didn’t know what to do. So I did nothing.
Frozen? Did you feel scared? What were you scared might happen?
> Of course I wanted to say that the projected feelings were not at all what I was feeling. In fact I was feeling sympathetic toward the person and saddened by their situation. But was concerned that anything I had to say would be misinterpreted. So I said nothing.
>Okay, so you were scared that you would be misunderstood. And how would that feel to be misunderstood? Would that raise your fear level?
> Is this the best way to communicate by not communicating?
> Do you agree that to "not engage" is the best action?
>I support people to not engage when they choose to not engage for a variety of reasons. It sounds like in this situation you didn't exactly choose to not engage but felt afraid to engage.
I think what you wrote that you wanted to say sounds really good. For sure, you run the risk of not being heard, understood, or believed by the other person and you have the choice to try again and continue to talk it out with them or not. It sounds like it might be worth the effort for you to state what you felt -- your truth -- even if the other person misinterprets it.
In all relationships, at some point, we are not heard, are misunderstood or misinterpreted, and we have to take the risk to engage and share our reality to overcome misunderstandings. If it doesn't go anywhere, or the other person doesn't feel open, you might decide to let it go but at least you know you gave it a chance. Sometimes people can't hear things in the moment but think about it and come back to you later. You never know what might happen -- it could be positive! :)
Hope that helps, Jai,
Kali
>
poster:Kali Munro
thread:398972
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20040927/msgs/399118.html