Struggling

Posted by Tabitha on September 18, 2003, at 20:33:36

Babble is really testing me lately. I was really struggling over my first PBC, and Bob's policy regarding the impostor, and Gabbi's block. I found myself thinking many of those anti-Bob thoughts the expats are always posting. I could see myself posting furious diatribes on Admin, or leaving in anger, or both.
Then I actually came to terms with it. The impostor, and Bob's policy, and the fact that I probably can't influence him one bit. I had this whole revelation about 'attack and defend' mentality, and how that plays out in my life, and why the impostor event pushed my buttons. I applied my church teachings to it. It was a growth experience, dang it! It's clear, I don't need to insult the impostor. It won't make the site better if we can all do that. It won't make me feel better. It won't heal my hurt or anyone else's. The impostor didn't take anything away from me, so I don't need to put them down to get my power back. If I really believe what I posted, that the impostor is acting out of hurt, I wouldn't want to heap more hurt onto them. I was just acting out *my* hurt and anger. Exactly what I was accusing them of! No wonder I was so peeved.
Then I got a 'citizen's PBC' from stjames and I'm having a whole slew of new angry thoughts, and feelings of shame.
The odd thing is, after over a year of posting, and never getting a PBC, lately I was feeling like I'd become more supportive. Like before I was just there to have fun, and talk to my favorites, and lately I was really wanting to just give support to everyone, even people I didn't think of as friends. My therapist said it shows I've become more supportive of myself, so I'm feeling more supportive to others. Yet now I get 2 PBCs in a week. And I didn't really see either one of them coming. I felt bad about my insult to the impostor, but I still didn't expect a PBC. And I thought nothing of the comment that irked stjames, until I saw his reaction.
It's confusing. I don't know if the site has changed, or I've changed, or if it's just random events. But my civility radar seems to be broken, and I'm afraid I'll get blocked any moment.
Sigh...

Thread

Struggling Tabitha 9/18/03
Re: Struggling » Tabitha Dinah 9/19/03
Re: Struggling Dr. Bob 9/19/03
Re: Struggling » Tabitha madwand 9/19/03
any or all cybersex kara lynne 9/19/03
Re: any or all cybersex kara lynne 9/20/03
Re: any or all cybersex (and to Dr. Bob) » kara lynne madwand 9/20/03
Re: any or all cybersex » kara lynne madwand 9/20/03
madwand kara lynne 9/20/03
Re: misquoted, out of context, whatevah..... Sabina 9/20/03
Re: misquoted, out of context, whatevah..... » Sabina madwand 9/20/03
Re: madwand » kara lynne madwand 9/20/03
Re: misquoted, out of context, whatevah..... » madwand Dinah 9/20/03
Re: misquoted, out of context, whatevah..... » madwand Sabina 9/20/03
Re: note fell into the supportive category Dr. Bob 9/20/03
Re: note fell into the supportive category » Dr. Bob madwand 9/20/03

Post a new follow-up

Notify the administrators

Start a new thread

poster:Tabitha thread:261478
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20030808/msgs/261478.html

	for
in