Re: A Psychedelic Journey on CBS 60 Minutes » Hugh

How are you doing? I have no complaints. Are you in an ill state? I really no nothing about your history.

Marriage is working out well for me. My wife is my Angel. She helped me get through a rough time.

My expectations were to respond, get well, and go on my merry way. Then something very unexpected and dramatic happened. I began having episodes of violent crying that would last for as long as 30 minutes. The pain was such that it made my face contort. It is hard to convey the experience, but I was easily triggered. *All* of the frustration, struggle, and pain closed in on me at once as if it were a single memory. This was the consequence of getting well!

That's a pretty weak description of the experience, though. Depression is an altered state of consciousness - as are all mental illnesses. When the altered state of depression evaporated and normal human perception and cognition emerged, the shock was devastating. So many years. Ages 17-60. I lost half of my adolescence and my entire adulthood. What do you do with that?

I think I reacted as would someone with PTSD. When I was a research patient at the NIH, one of my evaluations used the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI). It is an old, but incredibly effective tool. I was at the NIH between 1992-1993. I was 32 at the time. The clinical research staff remarked that I rated unusually high on the prisoner-of-war scoring.

Looking back at my experience adding Nardil to the lithium, lamotrigine, and nortriptyline I had been taking, It took almost 12 weeks (3 months) before I began to respond. For a drug to take this long to start working is very unusual. If I remember correctly, if one doesn't respond by week 6, the likelihood of responding thereafter is very low.

Shortly after feeling insanely better for an insanely long period of time (for me), I felt the need to re-introduce to people the concept of latency of effect. It was no longer part of Babbelers' mindset. I never doubted that to respond to traditional monoamine antidepressants, an "incubation" period was necessary. Unfortunately, desperation can compel people to do things that are counterproductive. It became the habit for Babblers to begin taking a new drug, and judge its ultimate effectiveness after only 3-7 days. It was astounding. It was tragic. No one had any chance of getting well with those drugs. I have had impatience get in my way in the past. I was my own worst enemy. I know desperation.

I think my first set of posts on this topic used the term, "bad habits". Certain people were unknowingly sabotaging other people's chances of living a life worth sticking around for. My language was rather kind at first, but it became less tame as more people ignored or challenged the idea of the necessity for patience. I certainly took the onus off of people who got lost in this circular trap. This was almost inevitable when depression is severe enough for long enough. I guess my presentation wasn't of the type necessary to influence people's decision-making processes. My intervention would turn out to be the final blow to Psycho-Babble, which is ironic. I wrote copiously. At some point, I might have become elevated in the direction of hypomania. It was still early in my course of remission, and Nardil has done this to me before. I'm really not sure.

Anyway, I haven't been paying much attention to the research pipeline. I have no need. You do realize that America (I'll avoid specificity) has essentially fired perhaps half of its medical research scientists. Most of them are now in Europe. France so much as made an official announcement that fired American scientists were welcome. A brain-drain of this magnitude takes the United States out of the game.

I'm more than just glad that you hung out here for so long long after the forum collapsed. You have a talent for finding and explaining novel treatment possibilities. I hope PB people have created or joined another support group elsewhere.

If you still happen to correspond with anyone from PB or a are part of a forum, please let people know that I hope they all found their miracle, whether they took my sage advice or not.

Some see things as they are and ask why.
I dream of things that never were and ask why not.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.

Re: A Psychedelic Journey on CBS 60 Minutes » Hugh

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