Posted by Beckett on April 25, 2014, at 17:46:28
I am terrified of another depression. I have more slow days. My brain doesn't work. Think of Monty Python's Gumbys--my brain hurts. What hurts is that there are things I would love to do--raise my child, my art. But I can't, which seems absurd, but there it is. There are two speeds, a painful, pressured go, and slug slow. My brain doesn't work, and the body is lethargic. I can't think, and to look at colors,one of the greatest pleasures, hurts. It all hurts right now, thinking of what I would like to do, and all the things I have missed out on, all the things that I won't have done because I am getting older and can't kid myself that I will be magically 'better'. My house is a wreck, a real wreck, and my husband, more than ever increasingly takes more on. Last time, I managed to do the basics but not this time. I don't care enough to get things done, and I feel very ashamed. Because of my experience, I believe medication holds little hope. I hate the way antidepressants make me feel and cycle. Yet it's been a number of years since I have tried them, and I guess they might be in my future if things don't eventually improve. I have tried nearly every anticonvulsant used, including now the gold standard lamictal. I know this sounds like self-pity, and it is. I don't know how I will stand it if I continue to go down further.
poster:Beckett
thread:1064766
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20140419/msgs/1064766.html