Posted by Meltingpot on November 19, 2009, at 10:49:10
In reply to Re: TMS in the UK - To SLS » meltingpot, posted by SLS on November 18, 2009, at 12:15:34
Hi Scott,
I'm not sure how I experience depression anymore either. When this all started again back in 2001 I was noticing that I was very irritable all of the time and when I wasn't irritable I felt totally flat and uninterested in anything. It was only when I took a holiday (thinking that might help) that I got worst. All I could do on that holiday was pace and walk and walk and just keep walking and smoking. I had no enthusiasm for anything.
I've been on so many medications since then and I think now I'm reacting differently to the medications than when I first started. I find that when I come off everything I feel listless lifeless (especially when I'm not working). I have not motivation, no interest and I start to feel very anxfrious because of that. This week has got progressively worst. I went for a walk with my mum and whilst she chatted away I felt pretty much unresponsive, not really moved by anything at all. I tried cleaning a friends house yesterday but was just very snappy and irritable and wondering why I was bothering. I tried chatting to a friend but just wanted to get away from her and from everything and I was feeling more and more suicidal.
I took a Zyprexa yesterday and am feeling a tad better today but I'm still having suicidal thoughts, not sure if I could do it or not though.
I am still able to work (with the help of the Zyprexa) now and again but have very little inclination to do anything else really.
To answer your question, I tried Effexor back in 2001, I think I got up to about 150mg and noticed a slight improvement sometimes but was still having suicidal thoughts and a lot of anxiety.
I also tried lithium back in 2001 although not sure what dose (and that didn't seem to help at all)
I also tried lamictal back in 2002 for three months and that didn't seem to do anything. I also tried it along with an SSRI (prozac I think).
Finally in 2003 high dose seroxat seemed to do the trick (after 4 days). It's strange really though because whilst it was working I suddenly wanted to do things I hadn't wanted to do before (even before I became depressed again). I started learning to play the piano, I started going out late, smoking weed (only occassionally), being very flirtatious and just generally enjoying myself. Although I was never a party animal or anything (but I never have been a party animal and don't particularly want to be)
Then when Seroxat stopped working, I noticed the lack of interest came back, I stopped wanting to go out socially and then when I did go out I just wanted to get back home again, the anxiety came back etc. I had been walking a neighbours dog and whilst I was well I felt affection for the dog but then when the Seroxat stopped working it just seemed to be something on the end of a lead. Although I wasn't as bad as I had been prior to taking the Seroxat.I tried increasing the Seroxat to 60mg to no avail and my psychiatrist tried adding (in this order) buspar, lamictal and thyroid hormone for a month a time and I still felt no improvement. I think he added mirtazapine for a while and still no real improvement. When I say improvement I mean that "wanting to do things" had gone.
I came off Seroxat completely later on and just felt pretty much as I do now, lifeless really and then I was put on Lexapro and was okish for about a year of so until it stopped working and I became extremely anxious and sucidal. Now my suicidal thoughts might be different to other peoples in that I never actually act on them, mainly because the Zyprexa seems to help to give me a breather from the really bad feelings. If I didn't have the Zyprexa then I could see myself acting on the thoughts but I'm still not sure.
So you might now see why the NHS psychiatrists have stopped trying.
The only thing I can think of that I haven't tried is ECT and I'm told I'm not a good candidate, so it's back to sucidal thoughts again because I can't think of anything else.
I'm not bad enough to warrant ECT but I'm bad enough to feel like I just want to die.
I can funtion but I don't really feel like I'm living. If I leave it longer than a week before taking the Zyprexa then I just feel like I really can't go on anymore. I'm going to try just taking a small amount of Zyprexa every night but I think I tried that and I still felt uninterested in things but without the apathy and listlessness.
If I suffer from double depression then I'm not sure how this can be because whenever I come off medication the feelings are always the same, they never seem to be any worse or any better. When I go back on medication then after a while I'm better but not fully better and I just continue like that so I'm not having any "episodes" as such.
I know this is probably a lot more than you wanted or needed to know :-) If you are not up to reading the whole lot then I can just sum it up in a seperate post by listing the meds I've tried and my reactions to them.
Denise
poster:Meltingpot
thread:926014
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20091117/msgs/926219.html