Posted by Pete1968 on February 26, 2009, at 22:37:41
How can I put this.. Am on 5mg Olanzapine at night and 150mg Venlafaxine. For some reason- which I dont think is imagined, I find that taking this dose at night negates the year long panic I was feeling upon awakening every day. I dont know if its to do with the half life of either or what, all I know is that taking the dose at night rather than the morning seems easier. Anyway my question is this- I feel really flat, thats the best way to describe my state of mind, not exactly depressed, I know what that feels like, and its not good. Neither am I feeling the horrible debilitating anxiety I had become accustomed to this last year or so. This is more as if I have no emotion, just flat. Like I am a zombie. Instead of the forlorn self pity and sense of loss and hopelessness that I associate with depression, or a sense of dread fear, I feel instead nothing, like im sort of dead inside, devoid of joy even in a fleeting sense, no minor buzz from a cigarette or flirting with somebody online like I would expect. No sense of woe or angst which I have somehow gotten used to this last year. Instead all I want to do is lie down and doze. Its the strangest feeling, I am not depressed as I know that to be, its more like i dont feel anything. Is this what its like to be on an AAP? Because if so I dont know if I like it. Its like all sense of pleasure as well as pain has been removed. Which just leaves this grey blah.
For years now I have been enduring GAD and insomnia, chronic melancholic depression and then a full blown bout of MDD after a crisis, but this is worse I think, I am calm but uncaring. Even booze affords no euphoria anymore, all I seem to want to do is sleep. I am also incredibly bored all the time. I am wondering if this is because I have been used to feeling such intense negative emotions for so long that I am somehow missing them and this is in fact 'reality' or if I am doped up and therefore this feeling is itself false? I am curious as to the experiences of others in a similar boat. Basically what Im trying to achieve is remission from my symptoms, which have been horrendous for over a year now, but without this sense of blah that sems to have replaced the emotional rollercoaster which until recently I have been on. For all the pain and anguish I have felt on the rollercoaster I cant help thinking that it was superior to this apathy I feel since upping the Olanzapine to 5mg a night. Th problem for me is that I find it difficult to differentiate between meds and side effects and my actual mood. I cant tell whats me and whats the meds anymore. All I know is that fantasising about suicide daily is probably a reasonably good indicator that all is not well.
Answers on a postcard please. ; )
poster:Pete1968
thread:882718
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20090223/msgs/882718.html