Posted by uncouth on August 8, 2008, at 20:46:07
In reply to Re: Do people ever actually 'graduate' from PB? Pa, posted by Quintal on August 8, 2008, at 19:49:24
Endless med trials....i'm not sure I would ever have the "motivation" or even the will or the idea that i should keep trying different medications if it weren't for PB.
-- AND IM NOT SURE THATS A GOOD THING --
It's a balance I guess...what to take into your own hands, what to give up to God, what to trust your pdoc for.
In the end, only you know how you feel and what's "not right". But then again, since when are you (e.g., me, all of us) such an objective witness to our own mental health. And do those of us who haven't ever been hospitalized, never attempted suicide, e.g., not in the 99.9% percentile of deep depression, are we simply making ourselves worse by engaging in repetitive trials, repetitive research, PB-ing, and incessant research?
That's my fear. That my self-identity has collapsed into a "depressed person who has a biological illness". Hard to remember that i'm more than that, when every day i'm dealing with a taper up or taper down or wistfully wondering if this augmentation or that treatment is better or worse.
Granted, i think for those of us not working by choice (me) or by necessity it makes it vastly easier to dwell on these sorts of problems, but my fear, and something echoed by many people who I think support those who are depressed but haven't been their themselves so do not understand the acute pain (thank goodness!), is that naming it, accepting it, medicalizing it, treating it, lends itself to a sense of inwardness, self-focus, sabotage etc....and easily excuses simply not living life because life is hard sometimes.
But then again, those thoughts could just be part and parcel of depressive thinking, and the illness itself...right?
Thus the trap, the paradox, the pain, the rumination over the rumination, the depression because one is depressed, the hopelessness because DSM says we're hopeless...the pit that gets deeper and deeper the more one tries to dig out by one's own strength.
I think everyone on this board should read the Psalms, start to finish, in one or two settings (Peter Gomes, Pastor at Harvard Chapel suggests this to those in acute pain and suffering) and get a sense that the despair of depression isn't unique to those who live in an era of (thank goodness) biological treatments. And that maybe, maybe, the answer and the solution to the paradox of rumination-squared, of despair over despair comes from God and nowhere else.
I don't know. I don't know. I just don't know where the line blurs between "excuses" informed by science and the admission of character flaws (admission, acceptance, repentance is the first steps to repair and healing). What is within my power and what isn't? Am I kidding myself by thinking I'm actually "doing" something positive for myself by researching more meds, by trying something that one person happens to rave about on this site? Am I really that sick that I should see the need to import naltrexone as a last ditch strategy against internet addiction and the like....or is this just one more action that takes me away from real life, keeps me self-diagnosed as "depressed", and seeking a drug fix to all my problems (ironically in this case because of the particular drug, but you get my idea).
I guess these questions don't have answers. I wish I didn't have to even think about them. And maybe PB did that to me too!
poster:uncouth
thread:844981
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20080805/msgs/845050.html