Posted by barbaracat on August 19, 2007, at 19:07:26
In reply to Re: Tolerance to Benzo Anxiety Effects - dopamine? » Quintal, posted by Squiggles on August 19, 2007, at 16:51:44
A while back, maybe 8 years ago when I was in severe mental agony, my 'drug' of choice was a few glasses of chardonnay (had to be chard, nothing else had the same effect) with a Vicodan chaser. Sheer bliss. Nothing like it. A buzzy, energetic euphoria. My anxious exhausted depression suddenly lifted, replaced by the energy and focus to cook, clean, straighten up, dance, chat on the phone, whatever. Plus, the Vicodan prevented next-day hangover.
I was an undiagnosed bipolar I and taking a very high dose of Zoloft with no mood stabilizer and spiraling in a constant mixed state. And while I was quite aware that alcohol wasn't helping my chemistry one bit, nothing else was helping either, absolutely nothing except my cocktail.
BTW, no amount of tranqs - clonazepam, lorazepam, Xanax, even Sinequan - would touch the panic or psychotic anxiety I lived with - only chardonnay and Vicodan. Any takers on this?
I'd come home from work and look forward to my cocktail - maybe 5 years of this nightly escape on a pretty regular basis. I realized then and now it wasn't good for me (poor liver!) but in some ways I think it saved me. Anything was worth the relief from the nightmarish hell I'd descend into at 6pm sharp every evening, and I knew I could count on this cocktail to help me survive what had become intolerable.
But booze is so sneaky - betcha can't have just one! What started with a few glasses of chard started escalating into a bottle and then another bottle. No amount of Vicodan was helping with how sh*tty I'd feel the next morning or the embarrassment of what I might have done the night before. A raving bipolar and a zippy-doo-dah brew - whew! do I have some stories to tell - and so does my poor long-suffering husband. And all for some soothing GABA and energizing dopamine.
Of course, it was all self-medicating and since I've been on lithium and the right meds, over time the need and the problem resolved. I believe I was both crazy and desperate to allow my health conscious, meditating, yoga-practicing self to do that to myself. It was my heh-heh dirty little secret too, since my oh-so-righteously-healthy friends would be appalled!
If I now have the occasional alcoholic drink, I'll still take one Vicodan - one, not 3-4 like before - to boost the high without wanting to drink more and definitely to offset the inevitable headache or morning-after yuck. I have no problem with this, it works on many levels and it's a pretty rare event these days. Whereas before, I was in a desperate escalating attempt to just feel better, and there was little I could do to change it until my chemistry changed.
- BarbCat
poster:barbaracat
thread:626479
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20070815/msgs/777152.html