Posted by spriggy on October 24, 2005, at 15:57:11
I know none of you can't actually "diagnose" me, don't worry. But you are all very intelligent and no quite a bit about psychiatric disorders so I figured it wouldn't hurt to get some opinions on what I *sound* like.
Here are my symptoms:
I will list them ranging from severity to less severe:
* Anxiety- I know this could mean ANYTHING but my anxiety tends to make me feel very uncomfortable.
I don't want to sit still or have time to be quiet. I try to stay super busy so that I can avoid thinking too long and then getting obsessed over this feeling. If I sit and think about it, I feel as if I could go crazy. It's hard to describe. Bare with me.* racing thoughts- my thoughts feel mumbbled together- once again, hard to describe. It's almost as if my brain/thoughts were a ferris wheel and instead of spinning nice and slow, it goes faster and faster and faster and faster.
I find myself telling myself " slllooooow down your thoughts."
* Derealization: This is occasional but when it comes, it is most severe. I feel as if I'm not really "here" or like this is all a dream. It's as if I am disappearing and even things around look different. I can only describe this as what I imagine an acid trip to feel like.
*Shame/guilt- this hits me like a ton of bricks. I find myself feeling SO unworthy of everything. I feel like I'm a failure, especially as a mother. I think of all the things I should do/be and find myself crying out of despair.
* Constant thoughts of death; not really "suicide" but death in general. When I'm in this state, I become nearly obsessed with dying/death, etc.. I sometimes pray for it; long for it, etc.. but do not consider actually doing it myself. I've only been suicidal when on SSRI's.
* Depression possibly? I don't know if this is depression or not- I had such a severe, crippling depression that maybe because I'm comparing it to THAT, I don't realize that's what THIS is.
I find myself looking forward to sleep. I stay just as busy (but only to preoccupy my mind) but on the inside, I'd rather just sleep all the time. Sometimes, I find that I take a cap full of Nyquil just to "escape" and sleep. (at bedtime). I have a fear of laying there, in the dark, wide awake with just my thoughts racing so I'd rather knock myself on Nyquil.
My family history is a father with bipolar (and his mother was also bp). My mother has GAD and is neurotic (is that a mental condition?ROFL).I've had panic attacks sporadically, general anxiety for nearly a year, off and on mild depression (but I honestly think my depression is coming from the constant anxiety).
I had a regular gp who thought I was possibly bipolar becuase of my reaction to Lexapro but when I was seen by a psychiatrist, the psych said it was merely akathasia and said, " You have no mental condition."
I honestly feel like I'm not normal. I can't imagine that "normal" people struggle CONSTANTLY with their thoughts and trying to feel/be normal like this.
But I hesitate to think I'm bipolar because I see no similarities between me and my dad/grandmother. I don't have high high's and low low's. Mine is pretty consistent. Occasionally, I feel "normal" but for the most part, this has been my general state for almost a year.
I won't bring up my health conditions because that complicates things but I wanted to share my mental state and see if anyone has a clue what this is.
poster:spriggy
thread:571455
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20051024/msgs/571455.html