Posted by Enigma on July 15, 2005, at 12:35:10
Long story short part:
I have severe depression. Worst of it being the last 2 years (I'm 36) - Been suicidal once (though I think about it all the time)
I'm on short term medical leave for the 2nd time in a year.
I'm hanging onto my job by a thread.
Tried about 20+ other anti-depressants over 3 years, and other drugs that had no real control on the depression.Finally tried Parnate, an MAOI, for 2 months, until I couldn't stand the side effects anymore.
First of all, if I took it at night, I'd get short of breath (tight chest), and *severe* insomnia, the entire night, sleeping in 30 min to 1 hour chuncks. I'd also have to get up to go to the bathroom every hour or so, and then have to get a drink. I would have severe night sweats and even my dreams were effected. I would actually be "stuck" having the same dream till morning. It was horrible as well as bizarre.
If I took it during the day (or even the day after taking it at night), I'd be dizzy, or light headed all day. Felt like a buzz from alcohol, but in this case, it didn't feel good. It was annoying beyond words. It even effected my judgement.. like forgetting to open the garage door before backing your car out, stuff like that. Anger and rage started to grow from lack of getting a good nights sleep. Fatigue was bad as well.
Parnate was the only drug I can remember that minimized my depression, so I forced myself to keep taking it, even though it was "killing me" to do so.
Now what am I going to do? I've tried "everything" else. My short term disability ends in 3 weeks, and I know there's NO way I'll be ready to go back to work by then.
If I go on long term disability, I take a large pay cut, and lose several other benefits from work. Also, after a month of long term, but job will no longer be held open. So, good bye job.Worse yet, I'm a software engineer and I make around 80k a year. I'm afraid that with the depression that I'll never be able to be successful as a software engineer at any other company, assuming of course I can even get another software job with NO positive references from my previous job (been there an amazing 3.5 years)
My wife and I are talking about selling the house, our dream house, and buying a much smaller place so that our cost of living will go down. I want this option like I want to drill a hole in my head.
Why won't any depression medications work for me? Why are the side effects almost as bad or worse that the depression itself?
Am I really going to have to sell my house take a job that my depression won't effect as bad? (like a janitor)
My $!^%@&^#$! life is falling apart.I've even had thoughts of becoming a criminal in order to sustain my current way of life. Can you believe that? I have 3 kids to worry about besides a wife.
Ok, just ramblings now. I'm damn hopeless. I've pretty much given up on meds as a solution to my depression. I hope NO hope left.
poster:Enigma
thread:528033
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050713/msgs/528033.html