Posted by pretty_paints on January 13, 2005, at 11:07:26
HELP! WHERE NEXT FROM HERE?
Hi guys,I feel a little bit stuck. I am on the following meds: Venlafaxine, Mirtazapine, Quetiapine.
The two main problems: depression and psychosis.
Right, well I am feeling a lot less depressed than this time last year when I left Uni. Anxiety is also a lot less. I have temporarily postponed Uni until I am better and have now been out 1 year and 1 term. There was never any MAJOR cause for all of this (no history of abuse, bad childhood, other problems).
On the psychosis, well I am a lot calmer. Since starting AP's, a LOT more has slotted into place. Can't believe how far removed my thinking got. So I am no longer acting "crazy".
However I still don't seem to be back in "real life". I have been seeing a psychotherapist since June 04, at first twice a week and now once a week. Nothing there has been "recovered", nothing deep that I repressed or whatever. Yes there have been some issues from childhood but no more than the norm. A lot of the problems have come, I think, from the fact that I have been mildly psychotic for the past few years. Therefore, while my thinking wasn't exactly off the scale, it was slightly skewed in that I did things for the wrong wrong reasons. I assigned meaning to things which had no meaning. I decided upon things in my life, what boyfriends to have, what clothes to wear, what Uni to choose, what course to do, for WEIRD reasons. I chose things to fit a different criteria. So therapy is helping me sort all that out.
Anyway, my pdoc is in hospital at the moment, which sucks. I had a completely incompetent (sp?) junior doctor last time I went down who left me in tears. So this time I am going on Thursday to see the consultant.
My family does not agree that this drug (Quetiapine) is working for me. They think I have too much paranoia still, that I am accusing people of things they haven't done or that they're not thinking. I don't see me as being paranoid. I still believe that my mum is against me. She is ALWAYS on my brother's side, she blatently loves him more than me. However, she says that this is not the case. And all of my family are agreeing with her, so maybe they are seeing something I can't.
I totally don't know what to say to the consultant. All she will say is "how have things been?" and I'll be like, "fine". I can't answer about specific thoughts which are thought to be "psychotic" because I don't know which of my thoughts are the truth and which arn't, do I! I don't know if this drug is working for me or not. It certainly has cleared my head A LOT, but I am still unhappy and confused about a lot of things.
On top of that, this dose is knocking me out. I take 3 tabs before bed (fine, I just fall asleep), then I wake up and take 2 in the morning, and they zonk me out for a good 6 hours, so I wake up in the middle of the afternoon. I don't want the doctor to just decrease the dose, as I felt BAD up until the last increase, and don't want to go back to feeling even more confused and bad.
Also, along with this, one of my problems was that I had this relationship which I thought was a huge part of my life. It wasn't exactly a "psychotic" thought. I don't know what it was really. But basically I had this huge relationship in my head and all the feelings to go along with it, but really there was nothing there. It was a relationship that ended 5 years ago, and I've hardly spoken to the guy since. I thought I was in love with him still, I thought of all of these theories about why he hadn't been in touch and what he was doing and what he was trying to tell me. It was all totally out of control, it was a fantasy. When I started on the AP's, I don't know why but I started to see things more for what they were. It was something quite small which finished years ago. It still hurts like crazy for me though, and I am still very very tied up with it in my head.
Anyway the point of this is that, when I would talk to the pdoc, they would assume that this guy was my boyfriend and that this situation was real. Of course it wasn't really.
But my worry is, this same situation can happen with any of the thoughts I have. The pdoc doesn't see how I am at home with everyone, they ask how I am, I say I'm fine and that my thoughts are fine, and then they think I'm okay and that the AP is working well. And then I go back to my life, and of course things arn't okay at all.
How do I break this cycle?? I don't know what I'm supposed to talk about with the pdoc. What am I supposed to say? What should I bring up?
My mum has said she would like to speak to the pdoc. Do you think this is a good idea? Would it allow the pdoc to get a more accurate picture of things?
Anyway, I just feel in a bit of a hole. The quetiapine has helped IN A WAY, but others think it hasn't done that much at all. I am sleeping A LOT on it. Therapy is ticking along, but all my issues with this guy still remain. Although I can't work out whether thay can be resolved by medication or therapy, my hunch is that perhaps it is a medication thing, since the AP's that I've tried in the past have so dramatically changed the way I feel about this guy. I do do Day Therapy. Gardening on a monday, walking on a tuesday, art group on a wednesday, therapy on a thursday and nothing on a friday. My nan also take me out a lot and we do little things like shopping or going to the cinema. Or sometimes friends who are back from Uni pop round to see me.
Anyway if anyone has any ideas they would be greatfully reieved! I just don't know what to try next :o(
poster:pretty_paints
thread:441581
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050113/msgs/441581.html