Posted by SLS on August 19, 2004, at 7:30:11
In reply to Re: To Scott, posted by denise1904 on August 18, 2004, at 21:23:19
Hi Denise.
> Trying to work out how long altogether you've suffered with this? You say 17 to present but not sure how long this is, is this the amount of years or the age?
Age. I'm 44 now (going on 23).
> In your notes you always come across as so logical, in control and composed.
I know. I have a gift for deception. :-)
> Having a better day today
Every little bit is a blessing, I guess.
> The worse thing about this depression and when I get into that state is there seems to be absolutely nothing I can do myself to get myself out of it
I don't think it is realistic to expect to. Unfortunately, our brains seem to behave in ways that are not greatly influenced by what we do with our minds. This is not normal. I think it is good to try, though, as long as you don't beat yourself up if it doesn't help much. There is something redeeming about trying and not getting anywhere if you realize that the obstacle is so formidable. The measure of achievement lies not in how high the mountain, but in how hard the climb.
> and that's the awful thing. I hate the fact that I seem to have no control over the way I feel.
I was so pissed off when I found out that my depression was biological. I wanted it to be psychological so that it would be in my power to conquer. I don't mind working for things, so I was more than willing to go for psychotherapy - which I did. Of course, it didn't help.
> And then I get myself into a turmoil because I want to take control and end it but I know I can't, time seems to stand still and every second is an eternity.
That is an absolutely perfect description. One of my doctors made the estute observation that depression has a quality of timelessness. When you are in the middle of it, it doesn't seem to have had a beginning and can have no end.
> I just want the mind I had four years ago back (I know that sounds silly). Knowing that without this medication I feel a total mess scares the hell out of me. I feel that the person I am today is a much much weaker person.
I know.
I believe I am weakened, but not necessarily a weaker person. Watch how strong you become once you are unshackled. It is amazing.
> Thanks for reassuring me that I do have Serotonin cells still in that area of my brain, sometimes it feels as though nothing is there, just a rock.
In a state of depression, there is so much of the cerebral cortex that is left inactive, that it feels as if it is not there at all. But it is there. When the controlling circuits are reset, it wakes up and will be there for you to access.
> When you had the Pet Scan did they not give you any indication as to why they thought there was no activity?
That is the question they were trying to answer. I'm sure each investigator had their "pet" theories (sorry, I couldn't resist), but I think they were as overwhelmed by the scope of the hypofunction as were the patients.
> Three years ago (seems longer I felt as though I was in hell most of the time, and Zyprexa was the only thing that relieved it (thank God for it) nothing seemed to work and I went through the usual combinations including addition of Lithium anyway about a year ago after trying Nardil the psychiatrist decided to try me on Seroxat 40mg again even though it hadn't worked a year earlier and for some reason my life started to feel more bearable. About the same time my mum started going to church to pray for me and a friend started to pray for me too. I'm not particularly religious but something helped, not sure if it was the Seroxat or the prayers but it's worth bearing in mind.
I occasionally ask people to pray for me. You never know.
> How are you feeling lately Scott after the me me me bits and do you ever wonder what the hell happened or do you know?
I have a good idea what happened. Of course, it involves a congenital vulnerability for depression and bipolar disorder. Among the stressors that I believe helped to initiate the depression were physical and emotional abuse as a child along with neglect. By age 10, my affect was flat and my interest in doing things reduced. I was particularly sensitive to the social pressures of high-school. Within a single hour at age 17, things turned dramatically worse. I remember looking up at the clock during my math class and noting the time when the blackness descended. It was 1l:10am. There was nothing on my mind at the time. It was simply a biological cataclysm.
> Just to give you some backround to me.
>
> Approx 17 to 24 Mild Depression
>
> Hit approx 24 and started to feel worse.
>
> 24 to 27 - Depression free with Prothiaden (Dothiepin)
>
> 27 to 32 - Depression free with Seroxat.
>
> 32 to 35 - Depression free with no medication.
>
> 35 - Suicidal Depression, tried all sorts of medication.:-(
- Scott
poster:SLS
thread:378449
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040817/msgs/379375.html