Posted by Simcha on June 12, 2004, at 23:45:22
Fellow Psychobabblers,
I've been posting for some time. I think I'm relatively experienced in dealing with my condition. My diagnosis currently is Major Depressive Disorder with Recurrant Features. Basically this means that I have a 99.9% chance of suffering another Major Depressive Episode in my lifetime.
Currently my treatment is twofold. Psychotherapy and medication. I take the following:
Celexa 40mg. daily in the morning.
WellbutrinXL 300mg. daily in the evening.
Neurontin 600mg. daily in the evening.I can take more Neurontin if I feel I'm experiencing anxiety or if I experience difficulty with bruxism. Also I can take Ambien 10mg at night if I have some insomnia.
Now, I've been relatively stable for over three years now. I did have a brief episode at the end of last year. The pdoc increased and changed the formulation of my Wellbutrin from 200SR to 300XL.
I'm in grad school and I work full time with Severely Emotionally Disturbed children as a Mental Health Counselor.
What gives me pause is the following. Whenever I've shared my diagnosis with a professor they are always amazed that I'm so functional. They ask me what I'm doing to treat such a "serious" condition. They wonder if I should seek deeper psychotherapy in order to one day live med-free.
I try to explain to them that I was in psychotherapy for roughly seven years and in twelve step groups of various kinds for over four years at the time I finally gave in and sought medical help. I thought that I could have this treated without medication. That proved to be untrue.
I sought the help of my general practicioner at first. He put me on EffexorXR. Once I got up to 150mg. and I was on it for about six weeks I experienced the first morning I ever experienced without depression. I knew because I woke up finally wanting to be awake and alive. It was like a veil had lifted. I don't ever remember waking up feeling like I wanted to be awake and alive, even as a child.
Now, I've received treatment from two different psychiatrists. Effexor had some unpleasant side effects even though it was effective in treating my depression. I shared with both psychiatrists my history and my family's history. There is a history of severe mental illness on my father's side and there is a strong history of depression and anxeity on my mother's side. Both psychiatrists have told me that they believe that my depression is genetic and that I've been depressed for most of my life. We've been able to isolate at least six discrete major depressive episodes in my 34 years of life.
I find myself lucky. The medication I take is remarkably effective. I've always been a very highly functional person. During periods of severe depression my quality of life suffers greatly. The major depressive episode before I sought medical treatment rendered me unable to function even though I avoided having to go to the hospital.
I have never really contemplated how serious my condition is. I've always poo pooed other people's reactions to my diagnosis. Somehow I've always been able to cope. I am a true survivor.
Now, I find myself questioning this. I've had at least two professors, who I really respect, tell me that my condition is very serious. I've had one at least tell me that perhaps psychoanalysis might help me to be able to get off of the medication.
Somehow this scares me. I remember what life was like without medication. It was not fun at best. It was terrible and almost unliveable at worst. I don't like the prospect of having to take medication for the rest of my life. It's a hassle. I need to keep track of all of the prescriptions. I need to keep appointments to get refills. I need to remember to take the medication continuously or it doesn't work. I also need to keep all of my psychotherapy appointments in order to keep my mind clear.
This is a lot of work. It would be nice to find something, like psychoanalysis, that would cure me. Both psychiatrists have told me that the medication is not a cure. They have maintained that I need therapy and that I need to do all that I do to remain mentally fit. Now, if there is a psychotherapy that can promise to cure me, I'm game.
Well, also I really don't believe that there is any talk therapy that can cure me. That the medication was the only thing that put me over the edge into remission tells me that there is at least a cause that is organic for my depression. If I stop medication, won't I be missing part of the treatment?
Geez, I'm not so sure. Can anyone out there relate to anything that I'm saying? Does anyone out there know that they need to stay on medication to be well for perhaps the rest of their lives? Has anyone wrestled with this like I'm wrestling with it?
I'd appreciate anyone's wisdom.
Thanks,
Simcha
poster:Simcha
thread:356230
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040608/msgs/356230.html