Posted by ST on May 31, 2004, at 5:57:18
Hi,
I was diagnosed as a bi polar II ten years ago. I had gone through many deep depressions, each worsening with the years. I had attempted suicide. Prior to finally seeking help, I went through a period that can be considered mania. When I wasn't depressed, I displayed a dynamic, energetic personality. I haved a sister who is bi polar I and is very ill. So of course i was diagnosed as a bp! I was immediately put on Depakote (I think 1200 or 1500 mg; is that the average starting dose??)
It was way too much - I became a total zombie and the depression was horrible. I then began the cycle of musical ADs in addition the the ever present Depakote, whose dose has lowered over the years. I've had a more stable life in the past ten years, but something major has changed.
Despite being taken hostage several times a year by debilitating depressions, before meds I had an intense drive and ambition (I am an artist). Even with the recurring depressions, I had a quick mind and a sharp sense of humor. My mind moved fluidly and I had passion and enthusiasm for my chosen field. I was considered to be extremely talented and a "go-getter".
Over the years, under pdocs' supervision, I lessened the Depakote dosage until I took only 250 mgs a day. As I near another birthday and the 10 year mark of being on Depakote, I have decided to go off. My pdoc and I have discussed my not taking Depakote anymore, since my dosage is not even considered "therapeutic", but I don't see him until the end of June. So I made this decision on my own. It has been 11 days and I have noticed absolutely no onset of hypomania or mania. Nothing has changed. I'm on 300 mgs a day of Wellbutrin and 200 mgs daily of Serzone.
Now, I'm perplexed: ten years ago, three different doctors diagnosed me as bi polar II. My problem had really been the depressions. Pre-Depakote, I used to be very energetic and enthusiastic and sharp. Since Depakote, I've lost the spark, the drive, the enthusiasm, the joy of life. It's like an anhedonia. I feel dulled and have a very sedate life now without much creativity. Sure, the ADs stave off the depression, but the Depakote has made me feel smothered and numb.
Has anyone wondered if their diagnosis is correct? Any bi polars out there ever just go off the mood stabilizer and feel fine? Or not...? Can anxiety seem like a manic episode to a pdoc? Is it possible to exhibit signs of mania but "out grow" them? Can an illness shift and change over the years?
Any thoughts on this are most appreciated.
Thank you,
Sarah
poster:ST
thread:352307
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040527/msgs/352307.html