Posted by psychosage on March 17, 2004, at 19:16:17
In reply to bipolar and screwed up, posted by Kirsty on March 17, 2004, at 12:00:53
> Hi- I'm new so I apologize if i'm intrusive. At this point i just need a little advice or whatever. I was diagnosed as bipolar a year ago and have since been hospitalized twice for suicide attempts. I hate the fact that I'm eighteen and don't want to be alive. I moved across the country to go to school, and i thought that i could do this, that i could be okay. I can't stay on my meds because I can't think when I'm on them. And it scares me that i do my best thinking and work when i'm somewhat manic. I'm just lost and confused and feeling like a screw up. I got out of the hospital a week ago and i'm withdrawing from the semester and just going home. Everything's just upside down right now. I'm on lithium, clonazepam, and celexa but frankly i don't know how long i'll stay on them. I've seen so many doctors, and tried different things, and nothing helps. i'd love to not be miserable but i don't want to give up the happy, unrestrained, quick thinking me. I don't know what to do anymore. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
You are not alone or the first to have this problem.
I've been in and out of a major elite university since I was 20.Trileptal has a far better side effect profile than many antimanics/anticonvulsants, so consider other options instead of lithium. Everyone tries a zillion different meds, so don't hate yourself for a med failing on you or become pessimistic.
The meds game is a big part of this ordeal, and it's something that can make or break you.
Otherwise, some helpful books to humanize this disease are:
Lizzie Simon _My bipolar trip in 4-d_ or something-- i heard her speak. she is cool and managing after her bouts with some serious episodes. she sticks to her lithium.Kay Jamison _an unquiet Mind_ She is queen bee bipolar of the universe. The woman who edited the authoritative medical text on the disease and teaches psychiatry at johns hopkins is manic depressive herself.
An evil yet entertaining book I love:
Elizabeth Wurtzel _Prozac nation_ -the book was a bestseller. the movie with ann heche, jessica lange, cristina Ricci, and the jewish guy from "american pie" was shot in 2001, but
has not been released. I have seen it though :)I imagine you are in college, so here is an interesting link about what has been going on at harvard, and the series is basically an analysis of the school's mental health services which follow a model used at many universities.
http://www.thecrimson.com/mentalhealthseries.aspx
Consider doing something with the SSRI. The SSRI will do just as much to make you dumb and apathetic as the lithium. Your antianxiety or sleep aid might need to go too unless you have emergency episodes. That stuff makes you slow and dumb too even after it wears off. I used to take ativan before bed, and when I stopped I couldn't believe how different I felt in the morning. It felt like there was more air and flow in my brain. I also stopped sleepwalking to the refrigerator in the middle of the night. Antipsychotics are more dumb drugs. Use them short-term if necessary, and I would prfer an anticonvulsant to an antipsychotic for maintenance. Maintenance is necessary, and you should never forget it. Your brain is pickled now for manic and depressive episodes. Once you have crossed that line, that line is easier to cross over again. All you need are a few life stressors, some trauma or some substance abuse and there you go again, so never beleive you are impervious to the hypomanic, manic, or depressive episode. It's hard to swallow, but you'll learn to accept that and tuck it away in the back of your head.
Obviously, the drugs I hate have their value, but use the ones with heavey side effects cautiously. Always be willing to save your life with them though. It's better to be a vegetable on antipsychotic in a psych ward for a week and a sometime thereafter than being messed up. All manic phases end. All hypomanic phases end too, so focus on overelation, overconfidence, operoptimistic thoughts. Fantasies too are red flags and defense mechanisms. You have to be completely honest about your symptoms always or you will trick yourself into taking a break from your meds when you may not be stable enough. Some people make it to just using the mood stabilizer, so there will be better days. Don't trick yourself into to live too much of life when you are hurting or being a maniac. If you can't tell others can!
Some shrinks don't believe in using the popular SSRI antidepressants for bipolars. Wellbutrin is the only thing out there that does not affect serotonin I am pretty sure. Effexor and serzone which are not pure SSRIs affect serotonin still.
Here is another good link:
http://chronicle.com/free/v49/i23/23a03701.htmand another:
http://www.jrn.columbia.edu/studentwork/cns/2002-03-04/126.aspgood luck! give yourself time to breathe, and you'll be back in the summer or fall.
poster:psychosage
thread:325284
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040313/msgs/325406.html