Posted by Ilene on March 5, 2004, at 20:32:09
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 21, posted by Ilene on March 4, 2004, at 19:43:16
Third day at 50 mg.
Saw the pdoc this morning. She wants me to go in-patient. She called my husband; he and my daughter are flying out and should be here in about an hour and a half, I think.
She wants me to take more Risperdal. I seem to be less irritable since I've been taking it, but no less depressed. It makes me tired.
For a while I felt calmer and even managed to do a few things like wash dishes and so on. That passed after a few hours. Took more Klonopin.
The pdoc called me and and suggested I call the insurance co. to see if I'm covered. Yes, I'm covered,. I gave the info to my pdoc; she called back to tell me the case manager doesn't think inpatient treatment is "medically necessary". As in, have we tried psychotherapy? (Years.) I'm supposed to show up at the ER tomorrow morning. It's not like I *want* to enter the loony bin, you know, but once having agreed to it, being turned away as not crazy enough adds insult to injury. Maybe I'll tell them about "the plan". I have no shortage of plans. Maybe some day plastic bags will be illegal.
I feel horrible for doing this to my family. I feel so inadequate. I know I didn't do this on purpose, or even *do* anything.
My pdoc says I need to find ways to be kinder to myself. We had an interesting little talk when I saw her on Wednesday. I said I thought my latest CFS flare-up was triggered when my new internist said ADs don't work in people w/ CFS. Even though I got it clear with him that that's *not* what he meant the feeling of panic and despair took *hours* to pass. I told myself over and over that's not what he meant, but it made no difference. It's the same way when I have a fight with my husband, even after we patch things up--hours and hours of stress that I can't shake. I think it's like the fight-or-flight response. The pdoc says it's physiological. Some people get over things quickly, some don't.
poster:Ilene
thread:315567
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040304/msgs/320874.html