Posted by AMD on December 30, 2003, at 20:27:00
In reply to Re: Lithium and alcohol, and ramblings » AMD, posted by Ilene on December 30, 2003, at 19:02:14
Irene
I agree with everything you said -- the problem is in my current job walking around as a zombie is simply not acceptable, and, in the long term, 'getting used to it' isn't either. So I've felt 'rushed' to find something that works. Now. Lithium just seems to slow me down and actually make me depressed. And if this 'slowing down' is what the Li does, then it's no improvement over how I felt to begin with.
I am most likely bipolar -- that doesn't bother me as much as the stigma of it, which I experienced first hand with my ex-. I sometimes think, too, that some of this is just society's way of saying "this is who you should be." But I like being, uh, quirky. The problem is if the bipolar is causing physical or mental harm, which, in these alcoholic bouts, at least, it has. So I want a balance.
My quick thinking probably does relate to being hypomanic (at least partly), but clear thinking should not. And the hypo-induced thinking /is/ annoying. I can tell when I start getting a bit too distracted vs. just feeling like a person with above average intelligence. You know?
Unfortunately, when I start taking lithium, even reading a book gets difficult. I get a weird sensation in my mind, actually, that was never present before I started all these medication changes. It's hard to explain, just a weird kind of headache.
Nor should 'slowing down' make me feel depressed, should it? I take lithium, and I /get/ depressed. I feel slow-headed, and this makes me more depressed. Or maybe it's the cause, since I put so much emphasis on my ability (historically) to do anything I put my mind to. It's far to complicated to go into here, and my message was way too meandering to impart anything meaningful, but, I do know that it would be nice to feel 'calmer' -- to the extent that my being energetic simply isn't my personality -- without feeling freakin' retarded. Jesus -- I have taught at a university, worked for a former governor, started my own company ... and lately doing any of this would seem, frankly, overwhelming. And the lithium hasn't helped but only exasperated these feelings. If these affects are temporary, I'd love to give it a longer try (say a few weeks), but within a few days on the small, 600 mg dose, I start feeling blue, slowing down at work, feeling numb-brained. And that's a LOW dose? ... Can you see the conundrum I'm having accepting the current course of action?
I'm searching for another pdoc, which is damn difficult -- most in the area aren't accepting new patients.
The bottom line is this stuff is impossible to explain. It's the ol' Supreme Court dictum, I'll know it when I see it. I'll know I'm feeling OK when I'm feeling OK -- and if someone says, 'well, you're bipolar' but I live a product life without a day of depression (maybe by eliminating alcohol, maybe not), bipolar or not, I could care less what others think.
Thanks for your comments.
AMD
poster:AMD
thread:294682
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20031225/msgs/294872.html