Posted by vwoolf on December 30, 2003, at 14:17:41
In reply to Re: Schizophrenia - Fluanxol » vwoolf, posted by Mimi on December 30, 2003, at 12:35:56
Oh Mimi, it must have been terrible to lose your ability to understand, read or write. I am also a language professional, and I know how important it is for people like us to be able to create meaning through language. I am so sorry! I have only recently joined the group so I didn't know anything about your background. Judging by your emails, you seem to have recovered your faculties fully however, which must be a great joy to you.
To give you a bit of my biography: After being sexually abused by my father from the age of about 4 or 5 to the night(inclusive) that he died when I was 11, I went through a deep depression in my teenage years and underwent ECT at the age of 17. That was back in the seventies, when techniques were not very sophisticated. It did me absolutely no good, and in fact messed up my memory completely, so that I am still unable to remember even simple things. I spent some time on a psychiatric ward, but after being sexually abused by my psychiatrist, I left the hospital, my family and the country and went to live in Europe. Enough is enough, I guess.
Even though I have managed to achieve success professionally, I have spent most of the rest of my life escaping. A few years ago I returned home with my foreign husband and son. Stresses have simply accumulated, and in the last year I have begun to feel the "impending disaster" you talk of. Like you I don't want to accept the idea that I am psychotic, although I have known for many years that there was something "wrong" or "different" about me - nobody else seemed to see it, but I was aware of it. In fact when my psychiatrist handed me his diagnosis, my first feeling was relief, that at last someone could see me properly.
I can't really tell my family about the psychosis. My marriage is going through a rocky phase, and I know my husband would use the knowledge against me. My brother is my partner in a company of which I am the executive director, and he would be horrified to know of the diagnosis - he would probably try to protect me and do more damage. There are support groups in the city, but close friends of mine are involved in the management of all of them, so I am reluctant to approach them. I feel I would love to get to the safety and peace of a hospital, but can't see how I could manage to shed all the responsibility.
I would love to read more about this, as you suggest. I have been reading non-stop since June, but don't have a clear idea of what to look for. Can you suggest some good sources?
Bestest
Virginia
> >Hi vwoolf,
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> Okay, where to begin... I lived with depression for years, as you know. In 1996-97 I could feel myself no longer able to tolerate additional stress, that is I could feel in my brain an impending disaster. My living circumstances were very difficult, my grandfather had recently committed suicide, and I had ruined my right hand with a work injury. I had tried antidepressants in the past briefly, but to no avail. I refused to take anything called an "antipsychotic" as I did not believe myself to be a "mental case" or want the stigma attached to that.
>
> I tried to stave off the breakdown (brain snap) by going off on a vacation. Didn't work. I returned to the stresses and became a basket case but refused hospitalization until one year later. During my mental disintegration (I had a job) I could no longer understand language. Yes, I could not understand what people were saying to me. I could not read at all. I could recognize words but I could not put them together to make meaning. As far as people talking, I just heard sounds. I also collapsed physically.
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> Thus began a very long seven-year ordeal. I suffered damage to the language center of my brain. I couldn't read for years. I forgot how to spell. This is the short story version here. Basically, I lived a half-life whereas before I had been very successful academically and especially with languages.
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> I ended up finally in a hospital (what a wonderful relief!) and with more than one diagnoses and taking antipsychotics anyway.
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> As I said, I had the shocks 2 years ago, which alleviated the depression. The introduction of Strattera several months ago as allowed me to regain much of my lost brain function and my brain may have regenerated some in 7 years.
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> There is much to know on this subject. Educate yourself if at all possible.
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> I sympathize with you about the cruelty of your pdoc leaving you abruptly. I had a similar event in my life.
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> If there is a mood disorder support group where you live, go there. Very helpful. You need to connect with others like yourself. This website is excellent, too. As for disclosure, pick and choose. Never disclose at work. Read everything you can on mental illness.
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> Write again if you wish,
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> Mimi
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poster:vwoolf
thread:294585
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20031225/msgs/294715.html