Posted by mtdew on December 19, 2003, at 0:28:24
In reply to Klonopin and Paxil questions please help!, posted by Siraris on December 18, 2003, at 3:30:20
My story is remarkably similar to yours. I never sought psychiatric
treatment in my teens, but I too noticed a steady drop-off in my
ability to retain information, focus, etc., starting in my teens, if
not sooner. Taking tests used to be a breeze for me, but by the time I
took my SATs, I felt I had to struggle to keep my attention focused on
the page. I used to be great at spelling. I represented my middle
school in a regional spelling bee along with two other students both
years. I noticed my ability to visualize words start to deteriorate
years ago. Junior year in high school I felt the pressure of college
admissions and really pulled together and did very well academically
that year. The next year I slumped badly, and the problems with
concentration, information processing, recall, etc. continued into
college, where I too majored in CS. Freshman year I had to drop some
courses to avoid failing and I actually had to take an F in
one. Sophomore year was worse. I had extreme difficulty getting up for
class and in the Fall I missed my first class (an economics class) all
semester and was fortunate to pull off a C. Another class, which was
in my major, I skipped habitually because I was unable to pay
attention in lecture and felt it was a waste. I passed with a D, which
was embarassing. Fortunately, I avoided academic probation, but not
without some close calls.At this point, I had still not accepted that there was some kind of
problem beyond my control. I attributed my poor performance to lack of
self-motivation and too much partying. There were some facts that were
hard to explain, however, such as how I had easily scored well on a
competitive math test junior year in high school, then struggled the
following year to get a lower score on the same test. My junior year
in college, I decided I didn't want it to look like this school had
"kicked my butt" and so I single-mindedly dived into my studies and
became almost fanatically attentive to doing all the things I had
failed to do the previous years; e.g. not procrastinating, attending
all classes even if they seemed unimportant, going to optional study
sessions, looking for study partners in each of my classes, etc... I
also sacrificed virtually all social life. Well, this went great
during the Fall and I miraculously went from about a 2.6 to a 4.0! I
felt great, and I was sure I had conquered my demons.In the spring I managed a 4.0 also, but I started to feel myself
backsliding, as I took a lighter course load (can't remember if I
dropped anything -- I had a habit of doing so), skipped more classes,
and badly neglected a part-time research assistant job that I had
applied for and gotten while I was riding high at the end of the
Fall. I had a seemingly unreasonably hard time completing one or two
of the homeworks in a CS class I was in (Distributed Systems), as I
felt like I simply couldn't grasp the assignment somehow. I started
getting anxious about it and ultimately got something together,
slightly panicked, but it turned out not to be quite what the teacher
expected and he used my handin in class as an example of an
unnecessarily convoluted solution, although he gave me a good enough
grade. I had always had great confidence in my ability to see through
problems and I considered myself a consummate programmer -- when I
wanted to be. I also did some interviews with big-name companies for
summer internships that spring, and in one case, the interviewer hit
me with a problem involving simple recursion that I knew I knew how to
solve, but kept screwing up and was seemingly helpless to solve it
while he watched. I didn't get the job. This stuff was bothersome at
the time, but it would grow more significant in retrospect.Well, all I can say about senior year is that it was a disaster. I
went in with nothing but good intentions. My schedule was packed, and
I was pursuing my long-time intention of involving myself in research
by taking on a senior thesis. My plan was to use the same formula that
had worked so well the year before: prioritizing school first,
scrupulous class attendance, weekends not sacred, etc... The only
problem was, I felt like I was going through it with the brain of a
two-year-old, and the stamina of an 80-year-old. Rather than slack off
as I had earlier in my college years, the new me redoubled my drive
and tried to throw everything I had at the problem. The result was
anxiety, at a level I'd never experienced before, and hardly any
return for my effort. I missed a 4.0, still managing Dean's List, but
that was beside the point, because I had become a nervous
wreck. During the spring I took only a minimal course load (3 for
credit, 1 not for credit, + thesis), and felt overwhelmed by it. I
would spend every spare moment _trying_ to work. I picked up the
coffee habit junior year, and now I was guzzling it, which seemed to
relax and focus me for about an hour each day, just long enough to sit
down at my desk, open up some work, and then start nervously surfing
the web or sifting through mp3s, avoiding the work I simply could not
do. Still I lacked the detachment to see that something was very
wrong, and it was out of my control, that I needed some kind of
outside help. I ditched the idea of applying to grad school, after
doing surprisingly poorly on my GREs, losing the will to work on my
thesis, and being almost too embarassed to ask for recommendations ---
I did ask in some cases and the response was chilly. Somehow I pulled
off a 4.0 in my three for-credit classes, but again this seemed beside
the point, as I was beaten-down, burned-out, feeling generally quite
ineffectual. (I received an A on the thesis, too, but it was basically
just rubber-stamped.)Graduation was 1.5 years ago. I limped home to move in with my
parents, since the one job offer I had gotten was rescinded at the
last minute (not my fault -- I don't think -- sucky economy). Anyway
to summarize this next uneventful period, I never emerged from the
deep funk I was in; never got my mental faculties back; and felt like
I was in hell; but eventually I landed a job with my father's help and
one of my old contacts. I never got substantially better of my own
devices, so I started the medical/psychiatric route. A thyroid
condition was suspected, since it runs in the family, but test was
negative, as were all the other tests in my physical. They referred me
to psychiatry. I didn't believe I was a mental case, but eventually I
cracked and went in and asked for and got a dx of depression, and
asked for and got antidepressants. Prozac made me feel trippy and
good, at first, but ultimately side effects took over and I got scared
off after barely a week. I felt like the therapist and pdoc were
missing the point of what I was telling them, and hearing only what
they wanted to hear; I felt it was a waste of my time and theirs; so
after sticking it out for a while and trying BusPar for supposed
anxiety, I eventually dumped them. There was no sign of improvement in
my ability to perform work.Anyway the medical story could be the subject of another large post,
and it's much less interesting, so I'll summarize. I am currently
pursuing this as CFIDS (Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome),
of the lesser-known "gradual onset" variety. I have every symptom
except recurrent myalgia (muscle pain), with "brain fog" being the
most pernicious symptom, but also fatigue, unrefreshing sleep,
dramatic worsening of my condition with stress, chronic sore throat
and nasal congestion/PND, and others too numerous to mention. Immune
system tests I've had seem to bear out this diagnosis.There has been some dramatic improvement in certain symptoms by
following a CFIDS treatment regimen, but I am still struggling
mightily at work and hanging on by a thread. I recently started celexa
(and provigil), and I think I see some improvement in my cognition,
but when I look back on what I lost, it's really quite marginal. My
goal is to hang on to this job and get my own apartment
eventually. I've only scratched the surface of the medical
interventions and different approaches I've gone through, so write
back, or email me (mtdewcmu_at_yahoo_com) if you want to hear more.I've never quite resolved in my own mind the distinction between CFIDS
and clinical depression... I mean I have a pretty good idea of what
CFIDS is, but I don't get what depression is. Is it mental? Is it
physical? Does it strike at random, or is it precipitated by negative
thinking? I wonder if a lot of people diagnosed with depression (as I
was) don't really have CFIDS, but what does it mean to "really" have
CFIDS or "really" have depression, and does it matter? For the record,
I am sticking with CFIDS as a diagnosis, because I think that
psychiatry is totally and hopelessly unscientific, and I hate being
told that my thinking is wrong and I'm exacerbating the problems by
not being more "normal." My CFIDS doctor is working with me on
multiple fronts simultaneously, trying to build up my immune system
and improve the fatigue and brain fog. Psychiatric drugs are involved,
but they are not supposed to be panaceas.> I am a 22 year old male that was diagnosed with anxiety disorder 7 years ago. At first I was taking 1 mg of klonopin and Imipramine. I now am on .5 mg of klonopin and 10 mg of Paxil. 6 years ago I noticed a decrease in being able to remember/retain information, but as of late it has gotten terribly worse. I am a college student majoring in Computer Science and my mind is extremely important in what I do.
>
> Before I was diagnosed with anxiety, I was an incredible student, getting A's in all my classes and being able to remember everything. I could watch movies and remember all sorts of lines, all the characters names... I could read books and remember all sorts of stuff about it, all the little details even from 600 page books.
>
> I can barely remember the titles of movies I am watching now, let alone character names and things like that. I read paragraphs of articles and books and forget what I read as soon as I read it. While talking, I put together sentences in an odd fashion, I also forget things that I am going to say and always have a very hard time recalling words (I used to have an excellent vocabulary.
>
> I am finding as of late I start talking about things and forget what I am going to say. The other day I was going to bring my car in the garage when I got home, I went in to open the garage door, and instead of opening the door I went to go inside my house, completely forgetting that my car was outside, still on. I have had many more things like this happen as well.
>
> I have also had a problem with sleeping... this has been an ongoing thing, but as of late it's even more noticeable. I used to have a very hard time waking up and getting to school. Now, I am on break from my university, and just relaxing. I am finding myself not being able to fall asleep at night, and sleeping for 12 hours a day minimum and still having trouble waking up then.
>
> Is this something anyone else has noticed? Can it be cured? If anyone can PLEASE help me, give me any information you have, I would appreciate it so much. I just want my life back to normal. I want to be able to read information and retain it. I used to be such a smart wonderful person, and it feels like I've lost it all.
>
poster:mtdew
thread:291198
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20031213/msgs/291510.html