Posted by Kon-shuss on September 6, 2003, at 5:10:29
This is my first post for the Dr.Bob"Babble" thread, as I have just stumbled over @ this forum/thread site and have a good feeling...that fact that i can share my bout with Severe Depression and read the posts' of others for mutual support, ideas, and hope for US ALL. Please bare with my first lengthy post as to introduce my self as in my history, battles, and personal insite. I look foreward to reading sall yours as well. We must open ourselves up to communicate our uniqueness and the unique demons we face, day in and day out. THANK YOU ALL and DR. BOB(!)... ....
so....to start out,...
I've been dealing with a 'demon' inside me for about the last 4 years. SEVERE DEPRESSION...it SUCKS, literally.... it sucks the very Soul out of me: my ability to be normal, content, and happy; my energy [physically and mentaly; my motivation. When it - my depression - first hit me, i was at the peak of my physical and mental health. I was an avid runner and gym-'junky', loving the state of being young and in top mental and physical wellness, soaking up every drop of my body's endorphins. I also had an avid social life, being a single-male at 19yrs of age going to college. I was always known by my friends as a true optimist, all while caring for others in need and 'counseling' them one-on-one for help. I had a good job at UPS loading cargo into 767s at Denver Int.Airport. i had goals of becoming a physical-therapist to aid in the recovery of the disabled. Like the Dodge commercial says, I "grabbed life by the horns" and was going full-forced into life. Then something inside changed. I can recall the exact moment and day "it" happend....It was a late afternoon on November 27th, 1999. I was going on my normal 2.5 mile run. Toward the end of it, something wiered hit me....it just felt like i was in the initial stage of coming down with a cold or flu. So i called it a done run and walked back home. For a month in a falf after that point, i just felt like i was coming down with the flu or cold but i never progressed; i never got sick though....I just had those pre-symtoms of the flu: mild fatigue, uneasiness, ect....(you know what i mean). But after two weeks or so of just waiting to become sick and recover, i figured "this ain't tha flu or a cold; just somethin' else. So i started to go back into my regular routine of pumpin' iron and running, but at a slightly low intensity (i didn't want to over exert my self, ya-know?). But something was clearly different: instead of normally feeling clear-headed and refreshed with natural 'chi' energy flowing and natural euphoria (from my body's endorphins), I felt worse, even sicker w/ some anxiety, irratability, and tiredness. I couldn't figure it out.... ... it was if my body stopped producing it's magical stress-reducing, mood elevating endorphins.
As the next year came, my dilema remained and perpetually got worse. I also didn't 'throw in the towel' with my exercise routine either through that time. I ran harder and hit the weights harder, too, thinking that i can somehow reset or 'wake up' my body's chemistry as it seemed to be in 'asleep' and not responding. Much to my dissapointment, it didn't work.... i just felt sicker and sicker. To fast foreward a bit, wanted to know what the was goin' wrong and screwin' this up within me (as my positve and content mood was fading with my energy, as well). I did much research and came with a few conclusions: I might have 'mono'; anemia; thyroid problems; even the idea that i might have early stages of cancer. i went to tha Doc and got a full blood and urine screen... EVERYTHING was look at, from all mentioned above to others: liver, kidney, ...ALL battery of tests. I was sure it would come up positive with mono, 'cuz my mom had it years earlier, and i had all the symtoms, too: fatigue, mild-depression, hypersomnia, ect. The test results finally came in: i was healthy as a tree in a greenhouse. All the tests said i was good-to-go. Wwwhhaaaaatt?! It can't be, cuz it don't feel 'good-to-go. "Damn(!)..." i thought. The docs didn't figure either, so back home i went on surfin' the web for more research, more answers - if any. With my symtoms in hand and the web searching in progress, I read about "CFS", Cronic Fatigue Syndrom. After diligent thought and research on CFS, i concluded a dead end on that therory, partially due to my withering emotional state of increased pessimism and an overall depressed/hopeless/sad state. i thought i might have S.A.D. [Seasonal Affective Disorder], but nixed that idea cuz i was just as depressed and low of energy during the hot and extremely sunny days of summer in Denver as i was in the dark and cold days of December. So............after a while of much time and research, I found the key, the answer, to my withering being: I have clinical depression(!) It was a small, but rewarding, sigh of relief to my confusion of not knowing my truthful diagnosis. It was an odd state of thought for me, because it took me and my great search - via the great internet - to find the truth behind my painfull problems, NOT the doctors. I have no 'beef' with the doctors, it wasn't their fault for not diagnosing me earlier; ... it is just another example of how depression is one of the most misdiagnosed illnesses around to date. Just imagine the number of people suffering from this dreafull illness - and the likes - whom dont know nor their doc(s) in order to be treated. ... ... It is for that reason i feel extremely lucky and blessed because i know the face of that 'demon' that lurks inside me and countless others.
****So now, ..... 2 further conferm my illness, i took part in those questionares; such ones are on many medical websites [ie:WebMD.com], {and pamflets}, most notably the many antidepressant drug makers quiz links for depression...---
---U know those depression test/quizzes(?)...the ones' that have about a series of 7 or 8 questions.... like..."Do you find yourself abnormally fatiged in the last two weeks?", "Do you have any changes in sleeping/eating patterns?", "Have you developed feelings of guilt, persecution, hopelessness?" You know the questionares, right?...Well ...BINGO(!)...I scored 'yes' on all those Q's.So then after that and much communication with my primary doctor, the next step was the issue of treatment. She recommended therapy sessions with a respected, renouned, and experienced psychologist. After several sessions, my instinctive concern was realized as the sessions did not prove fruitful in the least, more like a waste of time for both of us. Such as, he recomened that I exercise to give my body a boost of its natural antidepressant/painkillers: endorphins and also dopamine. He explained it to me in "layman" terms {real basic) naturally assuming I knew little or nothing about brain/body chemistry, ect. He also talked about starting a personal journal so I could jot things down adout my feelings from day-to-day. And then he expressed his need for me to open up to things about my past, such as memories growing up as a child and any negative experiences in my past, touchy-feely thing and all thay crap, so somehow he could probe my past and establish a link to the onset of my present depression. What a waste!!! I went on to establish that i was quite knowledgable with brain and body chemistry and all that stuff about exercise and endorphin release, and that diligently tried all that, explaining to him about my history of exercise and running and the very onset of my symptoms. I told him the utter truth, that i practically had been blessed with a very happy childhood with previously little or no tramatic experiences growing up to date until that day on Nov 27th that marked the onset of my depression. Very directly - with respect to him- I poured out my true conviction, that as "God as my witness", I have depression, pure and simply, because of a chemical imbalance... wheather it be an endorphin-deficiency, dopamine, serotonin, or something of the likes. All in all, I expressed that psychological therapy can be a life-saver for many of the mentally-ill, I am simply not a canditate. My depression is purely physiological: and imbalance of certain chemicals...and no matter how many session I have, this unlikely to be fruitfull. I need medication....a drug (or drugs) of some sort which can help to rebalance or compensate my mind and body back to balance or normalization.
/\
poster:Kon-shuss
thread:257524
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030902/msgs/257524.html