Posted by harlie on August 8, 2003, at 17:55:05
Mind Horizons
http://www.mindhorizons.org
Personal Stories:
Depression
April 2003
Depression, The Demon Within:
My Story
by Cassy StoneMy first experience with depression happened when I was five years old. I had been playing with my Barbies, and suddenly became gloomy. I kept wondering what the point of playing was. The thoughts were scaring me, but I didn't tell anyone about them.
In my youthful naivete, I believed that if I didn't vocalize what was happening to me that it would go away.
From ages five to 10 my episodes of depression were scattered and somewhat rare. I would get these overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and despair. They never lasted long, but their intensity was quite disturbing.
Sometime around my tenth year of age my mother noticed my melancholy and took me to see my first therapist. Those sessions I no longer recall, but by the time I reached adolescence, my depression had worsened. Emotionally, I overreacted to every situation that presented itself to me. When a boyfriend would break up with me, I would cry for months. I blamed myself, of course, telling myself I wasn't pretty, smart, or popular enough to keep a guy. A few times, I even attempted suicide over the loss of the relationship.
During my twenties, I developed a severe panic disorder that would render me housebound for months at a time. Already battling clinical depression, the panic attacks I began having sent me over the edge. I was hospitalized at the age of 23 for a nervous breakdown. I was put on Prozac and it nearly killed me. The mixture of negative side effects ran the gamut from insomnia to hearing voices. I lost 25 pounds (being only 5'4, 120 pounds to begin with) and feared losing my mind as well. My doctor at that time, refused to let me stop taking the Prozac, telling me if I did I would go into a coma, then die. Two years after this experience this doctor left his practice and opened up a weight loss clinic. With the help of a hotline nurse, I was able to gradually wean myself off of Prozac. I experienced three months worth of withdrawals.
I am now 32, and just last year, finally found some relief from the depression I had been battling with for nearly three decades. I am under the care of a fantastic psychiatrist (the 6th one I have seen to date) and see an equally amazing therapist (the 11th one I have seen to date) twice a month. I have been taking an antidepressant by the name of Effexor for a year now, and during that time I haven't had one panic attack or suicidal thought.
For the first time in my life, my world is no longer surrounded by doom and gloom. My lifelong battle with depression was a long and torturous one; a war in which I barely escaped with my life. But thanks to my wonderful doctors and an inner strength I never knew I possessed, I am well on my way to recovery. I've learned to simply take one day at a time, laugh as often and as loudly as possible, and to not let negative thoughts get the best of me. There were many times throughout my life when I was convinced that I could not be cured, that depression would haunt my existence forever. I am living proof, however, that it can be cured. The key is to never give up. If one medication fails to bring relief, try another (under a doctor's care of course). If a therapist doesn't seem helpful, try another--exercise, learn yoga, or meditation. Try a new hobby, anything that makes you feel better. Eventually, the sun will find you through the black clouds of despair.
The sun may not always shine in the sky, but we can make it forever shine within ourselves.
Editor's Note: If you are having similar experiences, check with your doctor. Help is available.
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poster:harlie
thread:249414
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030807/msgs/249414.html