Posted by hildi on August 6, 2002, at 19:38:48
In reply to Re: How Parnate saved my butt » hildi, posted by Ritch on August 6, 2002, at 0:48:21
Yeah Mitch, I get what your saying-there are many times (while I am taking my SSRI's) that I just BS my way through entire social engagements, and then, on my way home I'll be exhausted from all my 'play acting' and my mouth is sore from grinning too much.
I feel like such a fake- this is with people that I like, sometimes. Then I feel guilty from not being 'real' with them. . . but how could I be real. If I was real I would be a big downer, not laughing or joking with everyone.
It some seem that alot of this could be depression. It takes so much effort to put on this big act that "hey , I'm OK, I am this fun gal". I get totally exausted by social events for this reason- I feel I have to perform.However, there are other times, though, when I really do seem to click with everyone I meet. It is almost effortless and I think I feel almost normal- and am actually having fun. These occasions are usually those kind where I don't spend a lot of time with any one person. I think that takes a lot of pressure off of me, too.
I get scared if I think someone is actually going to be able to see how scared and depressed I really am. I don't want people to know- that is too humiliating and would make me way to vulnerable.
You know, sometimes my SSRI's make me not "give a shit". . .I don't care about being alone sometimes. . .I think they take away my cares too much where i don't feel many things, including the need to inateract with other people. I don't like this part. I want to feel, but now get blown away. What can I take that will allow that?
Hildi
poster:hildi
thread:115196
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020731/msgs/115459.html