Posted by katekite on June 4, 2002, at 13:13:47
In reply to Re: Scared, but hopeful- I was just diagnosed with ADD, posted by Xevious on June 3, 2002, at 19:52:29
I really commiserate. You sound like a really interesting person, if a little hard to keep in one room. I'm sorry it took so long for you to get properly diagnosed.
I was finally diagnosed with ADD about 2 months ago and have now tried all the major ADD drugs, finding ritalin to be best so far. This is after 10 years of whim trips to new psychiatrists for about 20 different antidepressants and mood stabilizers (misdiagnosed BP II last fall). I can't blame them really for missing it, I only went when depressed and am less energetic and more likely to stare in one direction then... it was me that finally clued in and figured it out.
I had always approached things (some things) with intense interest and energy. Despite hating school desperately (since it requires actually going and all that) I went to veterinary school. I would have gotten graduating awards for surgery from recommendations from clinicians, except the administrative office found I'd skipped too many classes. I passed up a paid grad student opportunity at Oxford in an interesting field, accidently, which I regret: it's likely I wouldn't have finished anyways, but I would have enjoyed it. I nearly specialized (additional 4 years) but realized in the nick of time I wouldn't have stuck it out. I have a bunch of 'thanks for your help's in other people's books. I have all these projects: little devices to in-vivo measure insulin in humans and dispense micro-amounts with actual receptors grafted to an electrode (will never work), a project to enhance bone growth in poorly fed iguanas, epidemiology of dysautonomia in dogs (toxin suspected), a book: a consumer's guide to vet medicine (vet medicine is as corrupt as plastic surgery). I somehow stopped painting right when I was getting to be promising and now I seem to suck at it due to lack of practice. I haven't practiced as a vet in a long time, almost a year, though I continue to spend money fixing friend's animals especially if the problems are unfixable. I recently bought a welder but have no real plans to learn to weld, apparently. It does look neat though. I currently make a living breeding an experimental breed of cat -- thousands of dollars apiece although few in number. I don't know if I'm a cat person: increasingly I'm a human person. In fact that whole concept is frightening: perhaps I went into vet medicine because humans were too complex, but with ritalin they aren't, what does that mean I should do? I fix the lawn mower in a jiffy but in four months haven't fixed the leaky shower that I turn on and off with a screw-driver. I would like to own a camel. I have trouble returning phone calls on time. I speak small amounts of many languages, but tire after that exciting bit about learning to count to ten and swear.
I stopped everything about 1.5 yrs ago to figure out what had gone wrong and never really started again. The unfinished projects were piling up and the finished ones had no central theme. It felt hopeless. Why bother starting new things? It wasn't depression so much as a rational need to make some change before wasting more time. Then, doing nothing, I got depressed.
I'm 30. I'm not sure how things are going to turn out. I hope that ritalin alone will eventually work, but still I find myself trapped in mental habits that are hard to kick -- doubting that I will succeed, doubting that I will ever fall asleep, the feeling of waiting for something to happen to me rather than being in charge, wondering if any one career will ever be satisfying for the period of time expected by this society (and me, now that I seem to have well internalized everyone else's goals).
I'm learning to cope and have a lot of hope with the ADD diagnosis. Ritalin is wonderful. I am better at basketball, even at walking, can organize my day in the morning, get less upset at frustrating activities. I can now not read a book in one sitting or never: I can put it down.
I want that initiative, that incomparable fanaticism about a new project, to swallow me up again and drive me. It slowly seems to be creeping back... though its strange with ritalin to finish things when I thought I might just flail. It is still all too easy to give up. I'm working hard to get better at congratulating myself for the things I do accomplish, and to take on realistic projects.
I also worry about whether learning to take on realistic projects is good? My faint urge to build and fly an ultralight? Will I never do anything about it? What will that mean for me and the world?
About every other day I wonder about trying some other additional drug. I don't know how long I should work with ritalin alone. I wonder if an anti-depressant plus ritalin would get me more productive, then I could get used to that feeling again and drop the anti-depressant.
Out of curiosity, which of the drugs you took before helped you the most in terms of mood and confidence?
Have you ever gotten overwhelmed to the point of not starting anything for longer than a day or two?
To some degree what we like about ourselves and admire in others is the crazy ideas we have that we do accomplish... have you found Adderall has diminished this capacity or do you just dream at night and get it done during the day?
kate
ps -- as far as emedicine goes, aren't those implantable tracers like digital angel just really great?
poster:katekite
thread:107422
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020602/msgs/108635.html