Posted by adamie on August 8, 2001, at 13:19:11
In reply to Hate being off meds; don't like being on them, posted by Edward on August 8, 2001, at 13:04:01
> Some of you may remember certain posts I have written recently suggesting that I don't have depression, and that a recent depressive episode I had was just a short term effect of smoking far too much weed. I proved myself wrong by coming off my meds. Admittedly, I did tail off a bit quicker than I was supposed to (over 1 week instead of 2). However, I was fine for the first four days after I had come off them completely, perhaps even better than normal. But after a mildly upsetting afternoon (a friend I was about to meet suddenly phoned up and cancelled), the depression returned with a vengeance. In mental agony, I took one of my left over tablets and went to bed. I didn't bother getting up the next day.
>
> Today I went to my mental hospital, and eventually made it to the backup psychiatrist (my guy's on holiday) and asked for a new prescription of my meds (mirtazapine). Despite having taken my tablets for the last two days, I was as ill as ever, and decided to get my life over with later that afternoon. I ran away, or rather walked slowly away, in search of a high building. After twenty minutes, I realised I didn't have the guts or even the energy to kill myself. I had to get back quickly so that they didn't realise I'd run away, knowing that if they thought I was getting suicidal again I'd have no chance of leaving this friday as planning. I was late of course, and made up an excuse about going for a walk and getting lost, and went home. I'm feeling a little better now, but I'm sick of the whole situation.
>
> I'm scared to come off my tablets again, because I remember now how bad I feel when I'm not on them. However, despite the help they are were doing for me, I still met the DSM diagnosis for dysthymia. Sometimes I think it would be better if I let myself become seriously depressed again because I would be forced to end my miserable, pointless life. Why can't I get completely better? Why can I only be unhappy or suicidal?
>
> Sorry to submit my pathetic, self-pitying whinings to you, but I can't tell anyone about this or I'll be stuck in the mental hospital again, and I can't stand it there. I'm not expecting any replies; I just needed to let it all out.
>
> Thanks,
> EdYou should consider ECT if you are seriously considering ending your life. If you're going to commit suicide then what do you have to lose except possibly some intelligence due to minor brain damage fromt he ECT? try something.
i value my intelligence extremely but this depression makes my thinking ability like crap. In this state it is as if I am seriously brain damaged. That is what depression has done to me and I am sure this has been the case for many people as well. I feel in my case ECT while maybe doing some minor brain damage would overall restore my intelligence to a large extent. But only if my depression were to turn very severe. In my worst period I had even had trouble reading! I would need to re read something over and over just to somewhat understand it. ECT is a deffinete possibility for me in the very distant future if I somehow dont get better. But I have a lot of hope that my specific depression will greatly improeve and even fully go away sooner or later.
Also I dunno if you have access to VNS but it seems like a great thing for treating treatment resistant depression. it is like a pace maker for the brain. people use those to help their heart so why shouldn't they for severe treatment resistant depression? in studies it has created remission in 40 to 45% of treatment resistant patients who were so desperate they wanted to undergo such an operation. They insert a little box in your chest which has a little cord that goes around your vegus nerve. it sends a mild pulse to this nerve for 30 seconds every 3-6 minutes. the pulse is hard to notice. the only side effect is altered voice for the time when the pulse is active due to the fact that the vegus nerve is right beside the vocal cord. but even this is not a side effect that occurs in every VNS user. I think it's an absolutely amazing invention. If you're severely depressed to the point of likely suicide ettempts there is nothing to lose except having your voice slightly altered. it's just a little box that is in your chest. that is it. I wish more people would look into this treatment. I fortunately live in Canada where this has been approved as a treatment for depression. if meds dont work I will try this without a doubt. And if it doesn't work it can always be removed. There is really nothing to lose. It has less side effects than any med possible. take care. try to consider some other options if no meds have worked for you.
poster:adamie
thread:74167
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010804/msgs/74173.html