Posted by Mitch on August 4, 2001, at 13:38:37
In reply to Re: I'm so sick of living like this » Mitch, posted by Else on August 4, 2001, at 11:56:11
> What really bugs me is that these meds seem to dull ALL emotions, good and bad. I'm the sort of person who gets chills listenning to music I love and who cries easily, but that's OK. I like that. I feel alive when I'm like that. The whole time I was on Zoloft, my whole impression of everything seemed to be "Whatever". I think ADs are good when you're really low; and having no feelings at all is a better alternative to feeling horrible all the time. But there has got to be a better alternative for dysthymia or anxiety disorders.
>
> I don't remember who made the remark about "amputating a hand because of a cut on a finger" or something like that. But this is what this feels like to me.
> I have been diagnosed as atypical bipolar once. This diagnosis was revised to BPD by another doctor. Anyway, I don't really care one way or the other. It's all just words as far as I'm concerned but I have been on anticonvulsants for over a year now. First it was Depakote, now Neurontin (which I prefer). I never really knew what these drugs were supposed to do but I have been such a good girl in the past year compared to the way I was before. No drugs, no self-destructive behavior, no benders, I didn't spend week-ends crying uncontrollably because some stupid guy hasn't called. In a sense, I'm doing much better. So why is it that I kind of miss my old self at times? Is this really stupid? Probably.
> When I go off my meds I get this rush for a couple of weeks. I feel so good, so alive, colors seem brighter, music sounds better, everything is better. Then I start to freak out over little things again and I have to go back on the meds. Anxiety is a bigger problem for me than depression. Right now I only take Klonopin and Neurontin (my doctor scolded me for going back on Wellbutrin without telling him). I still feel socially anxious and I hate the Neurontin for some obscure reason although it's not as bad as Depakote. I'm just being a baby I think. But I miss the excitment. Pdocs think too much excitement is a bad thing for their patients and they are right, I suppose. But something is amiss. I am just looking for some middle ground. Somehow, I think the older, shorter acting drugs are better in some way (stimulants, tranquilizers, even opiates). They don't change who you are. Anyway. I guess I want to have my cake and eat it too. Thanks for responding, Mitch, and I wish you well. I hope you do OK off the Zoloft. I have grown to hate this drug with a passion. I don't think I could ever pop another one of these little orange capsules (this is what the 100mgs look like in Canada)in my life.
>
>Else, I am taking Depakote 125mg, Neurontin 200mg, and Klonopin .5mg (sleep), with 10mg nortripytline (for my ADHD). I wonder if your doses of anticonvulsants may be just a little too high. I feel more stable (and attentive!) on my current combination than anything else I have every taken. I was reading here that a lot of people diagnosed as BPD may in fact have ADHD.
Mitch
poster:Mitch
thread:73202
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010804/msgs/73510.html