Posted by pwagg on July 15, 2001, at 20:27:13
In reply to Re: What to do after awakening?? » Cece, posted by Zo on July 12, 2001, at 0:36:07
I want to thank everyone who has contributed a thought to this thread. Despite the improvements due to Zyprexa, I have not been anywhere near stable enough to commit myself to a volunteer job, though I am writing a book about my experiences with schizophrenia, along with my twin sister, who is a psychiatrist (!). Although we have 350 pp what we really need is a good editor to work with, who could help us organize it, and they seem to be a dying breed these days...I am a writer myself, and when I am able to, have written articles and book reviews for publication, have even won journalism awards, though I remain on disability because these achievements have been so few and far between...
What amazes me is what also depresses me: that I have been able to learn so much over the past five years or so, that I have been able to devour the world's news, and to learn what's going on, bad as it is, and develop opinions about it all...BUT that it's all of it so terrible and, worse, that I, one aging physically frail soul, age 6 in "real life" years, have not the energy, "pull" or knowledge to do anything to change it...I do what I can, yes. I sponsor a woman in Nigeria, so she gets $25 from my SSD check every month because what once went around to me now goes around to her, and I try to help others when I can...But I feel so useless, so damned helpless, and this world, what people do to one another in it makes me so angry that sometimes I wish I had never woken up to see what it is really like...
But I'm only babbling...I'm a little less depressed now I hope. Though I had a recent relapse due to Lyme Disease and medication reduction, the voices and time spent on "delusional thinking" is much diminished. I'm trying to attend a recovery rehab center 3 days a week, but it's hard for me even to get myself into the main room. Sometimes I get there, get to the doorway, then lose my nerve and go home in tears because I was too scared to go inside...I need to make friends, but if I can't look at people, can't tell one person from another, how can I? But one step at a time, one hour at a time. right?
Pam
poster:pwagg
thread:69484
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010714/msgs/70254.html