Posted by SadSuzie on July 16, 2000, at 13:54:55
In reply to Fear of Life and Terror of Death , posted by Cecilia on July 16, 2000, at 0:52:06
Cecilia,
My heart goes out to you. The self-hate is a part of this disease we suffer. Lying in bed, planning a "successful" suicide is quite familiar to me. I'm at a place right now where I try to avoid mirrors because I don't want to be reminded of how ugly I am. Though conversations with many objective observers, I realize (intellectually) that what I see when I look in the mirror is not what everyone else sees - but it doesn't make me "feel" it. I still see the ugliest woman in the world. Does that make sense?
The point I am trying to make is that you are in a lot of pain right now and that pain will color your perception of yourself and everything around you. Please don't give up. We are here to support you. I felt SO alone until I finally started communicating with the great people of this board and now I feel like I truly do have some friends for the first time in a very long time.
p.s. Don’t worry about the people at work. Make up a story and stick to it. If they don’t believe it -- it their problem.
> I am 50 years only and have been depressed since adolescense. I`ve tried virtually every medication there is to try, including the non-AD categories recommended by John L. (stimulants, mood stabilizers, Zyprexa). (Plus failed 7 years therapy.) My doctor says the only thing left to try is ECT, and he`s going to refer me to an ECT specialist, though I don`t know what I`ll do if the ECT specialist doen`t recommend it: I`ve always heard ECT doesn`t work well for atypical depression. Of course I`m terrified of ECT, but I`m willing to try it at this point. My main terror is not so much the ECT itself-most of my memories are lousy anyway and maybe I`ll be lucky enough to die painlessly under the anesthesia. My fear is, being off work, people finding out, especially my employer who will tell my supervisors who will tell my coworkers. I`ve
> never told anyone about taking meds or therapy, though of course I know every one and his dog takes ADs these days, so it`s not such a big concern. I have so much shame about my depression, I know I "shouldn`t" but that doen`t make it go away. If I were one of these "normal" people who happen to have depression despite "a good life" maybe I wouldn`t have so much shame but the reality is that all the ECT in the world isn`t goingto change me from what I am, an ugly, friendless, unloved, unlovable, 50 year old woman. Okay, I know there are mass murderers who have less self-hate than I do, I`ve never committed a crime, I work, pay my taxes,recycle. But the self hate is overwhelming and I go back and forth wanting to die so bad and lining up my rows of pill bottles (Of course with all the meds I`ve failed I have masses, and like Harry with his guns I`ll NEVER get rid of them, NO ONE else has the right to say how much pain someone else can tolerate. But I lie in bed thinking I`m going to take them, I can`t stand the pain one more minute, and the terror and heart palpitations grow to the point where I think maybe I`ll luck out and just have a heart attack. I`m SO afraid, partly of the meds not working due to vomiting and endind up brain damaged and in a nursing home, but mainly of some horrible afterlife worse than this one. People say life is a gift, to me it`s a curse, I`m so terrified of another "gift" worse than this one. Plus, stupid as it sounds, I
> feel totaly invaded imagining my sisters sorting through my things after I`m dead; I`m a very private person. Intellectually, I know with all the billions of souls in the world the idea of an afterworld. good or bad. or souls
> hanging aroung listening to what people are saying about them is senseless, emotionally I can`t shake it.
> I know those fears are early childhood fears but they feel like total reality. And none of us will know for sure until it`s too late. And when I`m overwhelmed with my "Want to die-terrified to die" panic the last thing I want to hear is those "tunnel of light near death experiences" it makes me feel either I`ll be booted out of the tunnel or worse overwhelmed with guilt for getting the loving tunnel when I don`t deserve it. I just want there to be NOTHING.
> Sorry for rambling, I`m just in so much pain.
>
>
poster:SadSuzie
thread:40615
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000708/msgs/40654.html