Posted by torchgrl on January 11, 2000, at 0:45:12
In reply to Re: Never made it out...., posted by Noa on January 10, 2000, at 17:39:19
It depends... I think I tend to stay in because the world and other people have become overwhelming, and staying in my apt. completely zoned out on TV is the only way I can defend against it. I spent most of last summer that way, only without even the minor cleaning, just non-stop TV to keep me from thinking. A couple of weeks after I started the rebox. study, I managed to drag myself out for the first time in about 5 months (previously, I'd been out at least 3 times a week!), and was managing about once a week until around xmas, when I just started feeling overwhelmed again by other people. I think it's just their ability to function, and create lives for themselves, which just focusses me more intensely on my incredible lack of function/life, to the point where I just have to run and hide because I feel so helpless against it. Plus I've got a decent case of social anxiety to begin with, so that helps not a bit.
If I don't have the TV to numb me a bit, though, so I start to think, or if I accidentally find myself watching something with emotional content, the staying in brings me down. The last movie I saw (Being John Malkovich--excellent!) I went to because I woke up and had a complete anxiety attack about being completely alone and a shut-in, and practically ran out the door to escape--note, I escaped to the movies, so I didn't really have to deal with people. I can't believe I'm the same person whose life a year ago revolved around the pub... Not that I was particularly happy then, but at least I left the house.
P.S. I think it was primarily the increasing urgency of getting someone in to repair the shower wall that prompted me to do ANY cleaning--I really had to force it. And my suitcase is still in the living room.
poster:torchgrl
thread:18487
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000101/msgs/18654.html