Posted by judy1 on February 5, 2005, at 19:03:11
In reply to However... Judy...., posted by Shar on February 4, 2005, at 0:47:55
please, please try to ride these feelings out. yes, I get what you are feeling, I have been there several times in my life, and everytime I came through I was incredibly grateful- maybe not right away, but eventually. because life always did improve for me, even though it seemed all it was doing was spiraling down at those times.
you are a WONDERFUL doggie mom, you give those dogs more love than they can probably handle. I lost my malamute a couple of months ago and felt horrible- and I charged thousands in vet bills that I couldn't afford and I still had to put him to sleep. I had to reach the point where I realized I was keeping him alive for me and not giving him quality of life. when I did make the decision, I held him as the vet put him to sleep- it was an incredibly peaceful moment and he looked at me so gratefully. ok, I'm crying now- and I don't know if you have to deal with this yet. I just know I loved all my dogs the best I could and that's all they can ask of us. is there an ASPA near you- if so, can you ask them for advice. the one by me has a vet that does gratis work part-time- I know because I used to volunteer there.
my life has gotten much, much better since I attempted suicide several years ago. I finally realize how many people would have suffered if I had succeeded. and since my dad did succeed when I was a teen and I'm still traumatized by it, you think I would have realized that a long time ago. I still get dark thoughts- almost always in the winter- is this the bad time of the year for you also?
this is so disjointed, please forgive me for rambling.
the last time I was employed full-time was over 4 years ago. I was in research and made about 65K. my SSD is $1500/mo and my kids each get one half until they are 18 (i put it in their college fund). I don't have a calculator but I'm guessing if you get SSD it will most certainly be more than what you made last year. it feels like money solves everything when you don't have it- and don't get me wrong it most certainly helps. but with me it was taking away the stress of my then job that really helped me. and in that respect getting the SSD gave me the peace of mind to take care of the essentials, so I could work on getting well. I do a lot of meditating, exercising and most critical for me- give love to my family and pets. this seems the magic formula right now, but I also know from the past anything can happen in this journey of life.
I hope today was a better day for you and please dump on me anytime, I really do care Shar.
all my best, judy
poster:judy1
thread:440447
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20041213/msgs/453751.html