Posted by Racer on May 19, 2004, at 16:02:29
In reply to Re: Thanks, Shar -- and Scott (above was joke), posted by Racer on May 18, 2004, at 19:09:25
Ugh. Yesterday was a really lousy day, ending in the ER after getting really, really sick. After a couple of hours without being seen, and hearing that they had a 10 hour average wait, I decided that I'd either die comfortably at home, or live through the night more comfortably at home. Obviously, I lived. Dunno what caused it, but I didn't argue when my husband suggested we might want to go to the ER. The suggestion came, by the way, as I collapsed while trying to crawl back to the sofa after being sick again. I was too sick to walk, which was bad enough, but when I was too sick to crawl, well, seemed like a sign, eh?
Anyway, here's a story that illustrates why I'm having trouble with this therapist. Gotta give you a little background, first, though.
I'm not paying for this treatment -- if I were, I would be paying SOMEONE ELSE -- it's all through an agency contracted through the county to care for those of us who are uninsured and without resources. I ended up in this system after a suicide attempt last year. The agency coordinates services with a case manager as point person, and I've also got the therapist and Dr EyeCandy, the pdoc. There was a problem with the first case manager I had, so my husband requested a change. The change was by far for the worst, but I won't bore you with details. Here's where the therapist gets into the story.
In session one day, she brought up something that would have required the services of a case manager. I told her that I would do without services in order to avoid having to have contact with that man. Mind you, I'd already told her what happened with him -- keep that in mind. This time, I don't know if she finally heard what I was telling her, or if it was just my absolute, flat refusal to have anything to do with him, but she sounded upset by what I told her. She said that she understood, she didn't blame me, and gave me the name and number of the person to contact to be reassigned a new case manager. That afternoon, there was a message on our voicemail from the case manager, saying that the therapist wanted him to call me, that we'd do that thing that she wanted, and here's what I needed to do and then call him. I know, there are all sorts of things that can be miscommunicated, but this sort of thing just makes it so hard for me to speak up. For one thing, I had to tell her several times what happened with this guy before she even seemed to hear what I was saying. Then, I felt boxed into a corner by his call. On top of it, I don't even really feel as if she believed me when I said that I didn't think I was being unreasonable. I don't think I was being unreasonable, thank you very much, but I don't think that there's any way in the world that these people are ever going to believe me when I say anything.
Yes, I know I'm supposed to be open, to hold nothing back. The problem is that I'm afraid. It seems as if everything I say gets around through the treatment team meetings, usually in a distorted form. At least, I think it's distorted based on the responses I get afterward. It includes the pdoc, too, which is a real problem. I've heard now through three other people that there was a drug that worked for me, but I unreasonably refuse to take it again. That's not exactly true. I've also heard that I'm unreasonably hypervigilant about side effects. He swore, when I brought it up to him, that these people were getting it from my chart. First of all, two of the three said, "Dr EyeCandy says that..." And then there's the idea that anyone in there can read my chart. It's just not a good sitaution for me right now.
The agency that our marriage counselor works through is not out of reach financially -- assuming my husband's job lasts -- so I will be switching over there. It feels as if I've failed with the main agency, of course, no matter how much I look at what's gone on and try to convince myself that it's at least not *entirely* my fault. All I see, though, is all the things I couldn't do right to get help there. {{sigh}} That's the sort of thing I guess I should bring up in therapy...
I left a message for Dr EyeCandy yesterday, because he was on call Saturday when the Remeron crisis really hit hard. He said to stop taking it and call Tuesday, so I did. No word yet. The nurse who called back said she'd ask him today what he wanted me to do, whether he wanted to move up my appointment, or what. I can't wait to hear this one.
So, that's a story. Tomorrow, if you like, I could paraphrase the Hungarian legend of the wives of the sons of Adam...
poster:Racer
thread:348038
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20040501/msgs/348654.html