Posted by Racer on May 5, 2004, at 11:38:56
Yesterday was the worst day yet. Up until now, I've been able to keep everything at bay pretty well -- occasional crying fits, but mostly just sort of dull and stunned. Yesterday, though, I fell apart entirely. I've sent off the scans to a friend's father in New York for a second opinion, so I've done what I can. The big problem, though, is that I had a root canal, and took a painkiller. It stripped me of my ability to keep going. It was just impossible. Crying desperately, feeling as if I were going to fly apart without any way to survive. I finally got out a bottle of xanax my dentist had prescribed some time ago, and just knocked myself out with it.
I don't know that I can go through much more of this. I still haven't heard from the clinic that will be arranging the next set of tests, still no way to ask the questions I have, all I can do is wait for someone else to do something else and hope that I can survive the stress of waiting. I've read the report myself now, and it's not quite as bad as it sounded when the physician's assistant called to say it was "suspicious for malignancy," but it's bad enough and I want someone to tell me what it means. Sure, I understand the words, but I have no clue what it means from a medical standpoint.
It was so bad I called my therapist, who couldn't talk to me because she was too busy. She referred me to the afterhours support at the agency, but the person there wanted to "solve" it -- "well, call the doctor..." Guess what? That's not an option, because I have no doctor to call! That's another problem with this damned county system. There is no doctor to call, and I don't even know the number of the clinic to call. All I can do is wait and worry. ("Oh, don't waste your energy worrying until you know what it is..." Sure. You try it.) I need something NOW, and my only real option to get anything NOW is to go to the emergency psychiatric room. I'm at the point of doing that, because I just can't cope at all with the stress of this.
And you know the worst part? I know that they'll say the same thing I've been hearing from everyone else: "Well, you don't know what it is, so don't think about it..." It's just so totally unreasonable of me to be out of my mind with worry about this, since it might not be cancer. Didn't Tolstoy already tell us that it's impossible not to think of that white bear? Should I keep working on putting my life back together? Or should I start working on setting my affairs in order? What should my priorities be? Making it easier on my husband when I die? Making it easier for myself while I'm still alive by arranging our lives so that I can stay home as long as possible?
How can doctors do this to people? I know, because they've told me in so many ways already, that I obviously don't deserve respectful care since I'd have insurance if I deserved any consideration.
The most ironic thing is that I'm so afraid I'm going to die, and yet I'm so overcome by all this that I'm wishing I could just die right now to get out of this hell.
I guess if it made sense, I wouldn't suffer from mental illness, huh?
poster:Racer
thread:343645
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20040501/msgs/343645.html