Posted by Racer on March 17, 2004, at 11:11:10
In reply to Re: Oh, for heaven's sake -- it gets worse, posted by coral on March 17, 2004, at 9:28:03
Did you know that I did some therapeutic riding work? I used to be one of the workers in riding programs for the blind and emotionally disabled as a teenager, and then worked with some pretty profoundly disabled kids as an adult. One of the things I learned was that horses really are therapeutic, because the lack of verbal language allows the 'patient' a much clearer, less ambiguous communication channel. A horse isn't going to talk you into circles over why he's right and you're wrong. A horse will, like my little BitchMare, rear to tell you she can't go forward without more rein (never mind that she *could*, she still had to tell me she couldn't.) Easy, clear, no room for lingual ambiguity.
Here's a part of the problem with writing a letter to anyone: while I think of myself as being pretty articulate in writing, right now, everything involved with this agency is so charged for me, I can't clear that out of my head to get the real messages across. Does that make sense? And, since every time I try to tell them what's going on for me they tell me I'm wrong -- although "I'm entitled to my feelings, if that's how I feel" -- I'm not trusting my feelings enough to express them. (In other words, the care I'm receiving has allowed me to become sicker by reinforcing my own negative thoughts and behaviors. Notice, please, that I did not say that they were making me sicker. I know that I'm making myself sicker. But I also know that they're certainly not helping me cut out of that rut.)
Right now, coral, I'm pretty much only able to write about this. Every time I try to say it out loud, I give up. Yes, communication is a two way street, and they have to receive a message in order for the communication process to be successful. It's not enough for me to say it, they have to be receptive to hearing it. Even if they try and fail, that's better than what I feel is currently happening: they're putting up a wall in front of me, so that anything I say only echoes back to me. I know that nothing I say will penetrate that wall, and that those echoes will hurt my psychic eardrums, so I stop trying to say it. And, since I'm not saying it, it all builds up inside me and festers.
So, yeah, I'm getting sicker. But I shouldn't be, because they're providing more care than I deserve and I should be satisfied because all my needs are being met and it's unreasonable on my part to be dissatisfied.
How are you doing? Would you have a little extra energy to spare for me? If you do, I do want to try to write down what I'm experiencing, and try to express it in such a way that someone else might understand. If I do that, though, I don't want to send anything without having it vetted first by someone who might understand. Would you be interested in reading and criticising? (Aside from everything else, I trust you not to pull punches or blow sunshine. I trust you to be honest, even if you feel as if you're being brutal about it. And you know what? Affectionate honesty, even if it's not telling me what I want to hear, beats hell our of insincere reassurance.) If you've got it in you, let me know.
poster:Racer
thread:324976
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20040213/msgs/325261.html